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Talking about older women/younger men relationships

2013.10.25 14:59 grumpycateight Talking about older women/younger men relationships

PLEASE READ THE FAQ Post! A safe space to trade experiences, frustrations, worries, analyze cultural reactions, or just chat with fellow cougars and cubs. Working definition: a cougacub relationship is one where the woman (cougar) is at least 10 years older than the man (cub) or woman (kitten)l
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2020.10.22 22:23 woelfle-girl Attraction

I'm struggling with attraction to my spouse in this time, but some foreground...
So I am about 7 weeks pregnant, nauseous like all day-- everyday, and stressed. I told my mom that my spouse wants to transition (mtf) and she has reacted poorly. She now wants off our home loan--which is unneeded stress for me and my pregnancy, brings up my own personal childhood trauma of abandonment, AND then she demeaned the character of my spouse! Saying she thinks he's going to up and leave me with the kids, and then she'll be then saddled with the home loan. I screamed at her that he has never been a person like that in the 10 years she's known him, and he would never just abandon me and our girls, unlike her. I haven't spoken with her in over week, and doubt she will apologize, as in our entire relationship that has never happened.
On top of all this my spouse has started wearing leopard print leggings, and one of my old shirts around after work and to bed. And last night he shaved his hairy feet (which I loved, he was a sexy hobbit, haha). With nausea--naturally, sexual, let alone basic intimacy is out... but I'm worried that this is a sign I won't be attracted to him through the transition.
It may just be hormones+nausea+stress emotionally, but what if it's not?
Any other spouses know right away? Did you need to time to adjust and grow the intimacy just like first dating? I could really use some insights here...thank you.
my spouse has not changed pronouns yet, and is okay with them still. Sorry, I don't mean to offend anyone
submitted by woelfle-girl to mypartneristrans [link] [comments]


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submitted by skycommander to DioraBaird [link] [comments]


2020.10.22 18:32 curlybea I hate my life

I don’t even know where to begin.
This time a year ago I was happy...deliriously happy. I had the body I wanted, the home I wanted, the job I wanted, the relationship I wanted, the life I wanted. I was free. We went to concerts, stayed up late on weekends, had date nights, saw movies, I was alive. I felt pretty, I felt put together, I felt like I had finally achieved what I had worked so hard to stay alive for. Sure my life wasn’t perfect but it was my own. No one was making me do things I didn’t want to do. No one was abusing me anymore. For the first time in my life everything just felt right.
And now here I am. I don’t think there’s ever been a worse time in my life, physically or mentally. I have no control over anything. I got pregnant in December with a surprise baby and because doctors had always told me I would never have my own children I felt like this was it; this was my chance to do the one thing I was told I would never be able to do. I still don’t know if I made the choice to keep him because I actually wanted to or because I felt like I needed to. My partner always wanted his own kids, he didn’t want to adopt because he said he would never be able to love an adopted child as much as his biological children. As an adopted child this stung but I’ve lived with such hurtful statements all my life, this wasn’t a new wound, rather a scar that stings when messed with.
So here I am, a year later. I love my little boy but every day I feel more and more like I ruined my life. I don’t recognize myself anymore.
This body is not mine. Even if I lose the weight gained during pregnancy it will sag, it will have scars and stretch marks that will never heal. My body is not mine, it belongs to my son. This new body is not one that I made but one that he made. I wish women were more honest and talked about this kind of thing more... pregnancy changes your body and you will never get your old body back, even if you lose weight. Your mind is permanently changed and so is your body. I can think of about 4 or 5 different surgeries I could have to make it appear closer to what it was before but that’s still not my body... it would be something constructed by someone else. I’ll never have the money for all that anyway. My fiancé tells me it can be fixed with weight loss and surgery so it’s not a big deal but I think these are things he tells himself to feel better about having a fiancé that looks this way. I’ve seen the kinds of women he gets off too, I’ll never be as pretty as them; beautiful, tiny young things with perfect tits, tiny waists, big hips and asses. Sometimes he’ll point out one of “the most beautiful women” and I look nothing like them. I never have and never will. He talks about how he regrets not having more sex in his younger years, and how he wishes his body count were higher. I’ve never been one to have meaningless sex because of being brutally raped repeatedly as a child but I know it’s important to him. I know he looks at other women and wishes he’d lived his life differently. I know he knows he could’ve ended up with someone much more attractive because now he knows just how attractive he is and he takes pride in how big his dick is. I’ve told him to just go out and fuck other people but he won’t, I still don’t know why. I feel like he’ll never be happy unless I leave and force him to live the life he wants with the women he wants. A lot of the time I wonder what the point of continuing on is, because I’ll never be pretty enough. It’s not fair to him really. I’ve learned the hard way from people on this site that love is not in fact unconditional and what you look like matters the most. Even if it didn’t I’m not smart or funny. I have no redeeming qualities, and I’ll never look like those women he looks at and longs for. I’ll never have the correct body proportions or skin that perfect. At least I can be honest with myself. I know I’m not beautiful or sexy. and I know no man would ever look at me and want me in that way. But there’s not much more I can do other than leave him to make him feel like it’s ok. He’s too much of a saint to go fuck other women because he’d feel bad even though we both know that’s what he wants. He deserves to be sexually satisfied, to be with someone he lusts after. It’s not fair for him to be stuck with me.
I don’t know if there’s ever been a time in my life where I’ve been this sad. I lie to everyone because I feel guilty for feeling that way, I’ve experienced worse in my life but for some reason this, this cut me deeper than anything else. I have suicidal thoughts every god damned day. I drift off into a daydream of ways I could do it, like falling asleep and never waking up or disappearing into the woods never to be seen again.
We had to move. I said goodbye to my home. The home I waited years and years to have. It wasn’t perfect but it was mine. Before I had been living with my exes family in a little room. I didn’t have any possessions there was no place to put them. I didn’t have hobbies or interests. My life was not mine it belonged to my ex. Everything was in his control. It was different when I finally left him and decided I deserved more. But, because of baby and Covid, I had to leave my home, couldn’t afford it anymore, we lost our jobs. Though if we’re all being honest with ourselves we could have stayed. It would have been difficult and stressful but it would have been possible. We both would have had to work full time probably on our feet all day. So here I am...12 hours away from home, friends and family. I’ve forgotten what it feels like to talk and laugh with friends. I used to have conversations that would make me so happy I could cry.
I’ve never lived in a place like this before and I don’t know who to be angry with or who to blame. The first place we moved into there was a murder next door because of drugs. There were bugs everywhere. You couldn’t drink the water because it was orange with so much iron. Showers didn’t make me feel clean because I came out smelling like blood. So we packed up and moved into his moms old house. Not the whole house just a section of it with a bedroom, living room, kitchen and entryway. It flooded before we arrived. There’s a wall in the entryway rotting with floodwater. The place was filthy when I arrived. I spent three days trying to clean it up and it’s still not clean. It smells weird. I tried painting but I’m so depressed I can’t bring myself to finish painting, especially with a baby keeping me up and busy, I’m always tired, too tired to do the work required around here to make it livable. There’s two vicious dogs running around and I’m too afraid to walk my dog. Last night some woman came pounding on the door trying to get us to open for some god forsaken reason and it’s been revealed she’s just the neighborhood prostitute trying to beg or rob us. She could be working with someone else who knows. Last year a woman was kidnapped and raped and nearly murdered in this city, just a few blocks from here. I can’t go outside anymore. I used to love sitting on my patio and smelling the fresh air and tending to my plants. This has been robbed from me as well. It’s not safe here. I’ve never lived in a place so unsafe. And because of my past abuse and near death experiences I’m now too afraid to go out there or even be in here alone.
I can’t drive my car. It’s back next to the meth murder house. I don’t have a valid drivers license and the tags are out. But to be honest even if I did have my car there’s no where to go and nothing to do in this god forsaken town. I’d be too afraid to go into town by myself who knows what could happen to me there. Kidnapped, murdered or worse...
I’m angry but I feel as though the only person to be angry with is myself. I decided to have a baby when I honestly probably never should have. My mental health was never and probably will never be good enough to be a good enough mother and now my poor son will suffer, unless I disappear. His father will be good for him. Society says sons don’t need mothers anyway. Some women find it within themselves to embrace the changes in their minds and bodies as a result of having children, as something to celebrate; they brought forth life. For some reason I cannot celebrate in the same way. I can’t even bear to look at myself now, I’ve never felt so incredibly hideous or so lost. I don’t recognize this person, this body. I miss my old job my old friends my old home my old body my old life. But I will never get any of it back. I ended my life at 23. I never really got to live for myself...maybe for a few months after I left my ex. But now my mind, my body, my life.... they all belong to everyone else again. I have no choices to make. I have no free will. I suppose I could flee back to my abusive mother. But that wouldn’t solve anything. I would be leaving one bad situation for another. I’d be lying if I said I don’t think about it a lot. But the reality is I’m trapped. Like a caged bird.
The only choice I really have, that no one can take from me, is the choice to keep going, or to end it all.
submitted by curlybea to TrueOffMyChest [link] [comments]


2020.10.22 18:04 Fabulous_Employ There was a third option? Ack!

Long time lurker, first time poster. I (32F HL) and my partner (44M LL) finally had the talk last night. I have brought it up before in passing, like "Oh, hey, it's been a while since we have done it. We should do that." This was the actual word-vomit, how I am really feeling, what the fuck is going on, talk. I walked in on him jacking off and I had a whole body visceral reaction. How can he do that, but refuses to have sex with me, or even ask me to participate? I have not seen him jack off or touch me in over 5 weeks. I walked out of the room and he chased me, which lead to "the talk".
Us: We have been together 1.5 years. Have had a few blow up fights, but we honestly are each others best friends and get along very well. There is still a lot of physical touch and some romance. Holding hands, kissing, really sweet and loving compliments, cuddling, buying me flowers randomly, etc... The physical touch is not gone, so that has made me feel better. We play music together, cook, do random road trips, and just enjoy each others company.
The sex (or lack thereof): I have seen it on here many times, and we are no different. First 1-7 months - insane crazy love-making. I rarely had to initiate. It was natural, kissing leads to petting leads to you know what. He practically lived with me at that point, and then moved in completely due to The Rona. He has been here since March. Once he moved in, the sex took a pretty steep nose-dive - which I expected. Once a day, to a few times a week, to once a week. That was okay for a while and then in May (right before our anniversary month) it took a real steep dive. Since June, we have had PIV sex three times I can count, and some physical touching type hanky-panky about two times. So, about once a month. I got on this group and read through it. I have Googled "my boyfriend won't touch me", more times than I can count. I tried to dress sexy. I tried to snuggle up to him in bed with the normal signal of "I'm ready". Nothing worked.
The Talk: After he chased me, I apologized for reacting poorly and let him know why it hurt to see that. He had stated previously during one of my quick comments about lack of sex, that his sex drive was really weak and had dwindled down to nothing. I pointed out to him that he said that and he obviously still has some drive, just not with me. He said he does it like once a week and it's only when he can't sleep. I will say, he legitimately passes right the fuck out after masturbating normally, and he has often used it as a "go to sleep" button. He said that he honestly just does not feel the need for sex. Like, it just does not even cross his mind. He has to force himself to think about it if he wants to do it. He said his libido is just dead. In addition, we work completely opposite schedules, so he is tired, or I am tired, or both. We also have gained about 15+ lbs since quarantine, so he just does not feel good. He assured me he loves me, finds me attractive, and wants to have sex with me - but it is just difficult. He said "this is what you get when you date a 44 year old, we are broken". He offered to take some supplements or figure out how to recharge his libido. I told him I don't want to force him. Nothing is sexy about forcing him. He said he does need me to initiate more, which I said I would work on, as it is difficult for me being pretty submissive. I am also terrified of him rejecting me, so this will be a huge thing for me to try and work on. He said he does not know if this will get better, and probably worse given his age. He apologized profusely. I told him "Sex is a huge part for me for being intimate. I need it. I feel 95% connected to you, and there is just this missing piece. It is not even about it being fun or getting my rocks off, it's legit just about feeling close and connected to you." He said he feels our relationship is perfect and the lack of sex just does not phase him at all, but said he would work on it. He said if he can't "make it better", he offered a...
THIRD OPTION: He said he would be find being a cuck and that I could sleep with other people. He loves me, he wants me happy, and wants me satisfied. I explained I just said it is about being close to him and I need the intimacy with the person I love. He said if can't do it anymore and I am horny, that he is okay with me sleeping with other people. We sort of talked in circles and he really did not get I just want to do it with him, feel close to him. But I did tell him, I miss the act too. I told him I would think on it. He comes from other poly relationships in the past and I know he would be okay with it if I were to do it, but I just don't know. It's fulfilling some of my needs, but not all of them. Also, I would NEVER be okay with him sleeping with other people, so it feels sort of unfair and one-sided.
Any deadbedroomers out there use outsourcing of sex to save a relationship?? I am genuinely starting to think about it, but am also worried it could just open up a whole new slew of problems. His offer seemed genuine. His reasoning for lack of sex seemed genuine. I just don't know where to go from here. Also, any more submissive types that have successful(ish) initiating techniques. I have never had to be the instigator and feel like a fumbling teenager trying to be like "sex me up". I would like to try initiating more and see if I have any success, before looking to outside partners.
submitted by Fabulous_Employ to DeadBedrooms [link] [comments]


2020.10.22 16:31 Latebloomingtosser Help/advice needed. Not sure what I'm actually doing. Late 30 something M

Hello reddit people sorry for the long post but I genuinely need some dating help. I'm a late 30 something slightly on the autistic spectrum male, trying to figure out what the hell I'm doing in this dating world. I can't really read body language and I've only really been in one relationship my entire life. For the most part intimacy was non-existent for the majority of it. So it's safe to say I don't really know what I'm doing when it comes to kissing/proper escalation/sexy times. In general I'm a pretty passive person, so I'm always asking consent, if they're ok, what they want, etc but I feel this is hurting me slightly not being able to take charge and just go for things.
I met a woman on a dating app and it seems to be going ok however she's not really flirty at all. She said she's pretty new to dating herself (3 yrs) and has trouble flirting in general. I've accepted that and try to complement her when I can to maybe make her feel a bit more comfortable but she rarely complements me or my looks. Overall it's a pretty awkward experience!
We've had three outdoor dates so far(covid), at the end of date three we kissed in my car. Here it was very clear I didn't really have an idea what I was doing and of course the kiss was super awkward. I jokingly pointed this out and she seemed ok with it saying she can't wait for next time.
We've been small talk texting everyday saying stuff like how was your day, goodnight, etc sometimes having discussions about the political climate. Fast forward two weeks (life issues) we're planning another outing Saturday to pick out and then carve pumpkins at her house. She seemed into me at first, but nowI feel I'm on the cusp of the friend zone, although this may just be my own insecurities from being alone for so long.
Here's where you guys hopefully come in. I'd like some help finding resources/advice I can look at for intimacy, what signs to look for, proper kissing techniques, when to escalate, etc.
Help!!!!
submitted by Latebloomingtosser to datingoverthirty [link] [comments]


2020.10.22 13:51 idkthrowawayyyyt My gf

I’m gonna tell you the story from my perspective first so you would understand where I’m coming from.
So my girlfriend and I have a date and right when she comes she takes her jeans and hoodie off she wearing lingerie and looking sexy, I go up to her grab her and lay her on the couch while she giggled and it was all good. A little bit later we take it to the bed things go fast and I was ask her if it’s okay (as in does it hurt) while I put my you know what in side her and she says “mhm” meaning yes and nods yes. We continue having great sex for 30 mins or so and most of the time she was laying down on her stomach. She had her hands over her head for sometime too. I finish and when she turned around her face was all red she was clearly crying. I asked her but she didn’t reply she was silent and she was pushing me away when I tried to comfort her or hug her. She packed her stuff and went home and sent me a text basically breaking up with me ( she said she needs time alone ). She told me that I forced her which is not true I asked her before doing anything and when I told her that she said “you pressured me to do it”. She said she was raped when she was a kid and that sex with me felt just like it.
I’m traumatized. I don’t know if I did anything wrong I’m worried if I have sex again people would come out with the same claims while I didn’t do anything. And it just hurts for her to compare me to the person that forced her.
I don’t know how to approach her or apologize or if I should even apologize since I really didn’t try to force her
And how do go back to having sex after this experience
submitted by idkthrowawayyyyt to relationship_advice [link] [comments]


2020.10.22 09:33 Gusta-freda I’m addicted to loving people and being loved , that is why divorce nearly killed me

Divorce really is a self discovery. I learned things that I wish I never knew about myself. I loved my husband with all I had but I took way to much. I forgave things that should have been major red flags. I did that because he told me everyday that he loved me. That I was perfect. That I made him happy.
I was addicted to that. It helped me do so much. nothing could bring me down because there was this one person who loved me no matter what. It was such a powerfully feeling.
I would do my all to keep him happy. My life evolved around him. I did all I could to be the cool wife. Let him be free, support him. Please him. Make him feel sexy and wanted.
But I chose an entitled man. I didn’t see it but he can only love himself. He took me for granted and I let him time and time again. Until the day he found somebody more exciting ... wel she was new. She was not as intelligent and successful as me and probably put him on a piëdestal. As much as I respected and loved him I would always consider myself his equal. I think his insecurities wanted somebody who would make him feel like the smartest in the room.
When he told me he did not love me and never did, it was my worst nightmare. I realized that there was nothing left of the fierce confident woman I thought I was. I was left with these obsessive thoughts. I am fat, I am ugly ... I am smart and funny but no man ever cares about that. I’m worthless, I’m a failure.
I started dating quite quickly. I think I told myself I would only be truly over my ex once I sleep with another man. Seeing the matches I got. Having men tell me they loved my humor and intelligence made me feel good... to a point I thought I was healing very well.
Then I got a few dates with somebody who would be on paper the perfect man for me. He told me I was everything he was looking for. He loved my ambition, intelligence and humor. Those are my magic buttons. I felt so great. I got hope again. Not realizing I would see a relationship with this person as me winning. Not really asking myself if I wanted this person?
He dropped of the face of the planet. (not sure if it was because of me or personal things. He had a death in the family and asked me to take it slow because he was not dealing well. I haven’t heard from him for several days) It broke me again. It set me back quite a bit. But it did make me question what it was that I was actually doing... do I really like this person or did I just like the way he made me feel? I don’t have a definitive answer to that. Maybe it was both.
I went back on the dating app. Talked to three men. Just to feel wanted again. To keep me from texting the guy. I don’t want to be like this, I know I need to be happy by myself. I know there is no shame in being single. Life is not a competition... but I find myself swiping every time I feel bad.
I dream of marrying again. I dream of loving somebody as much as they love me. Having children ... a happy ever after. It is eating me up alive. I know... the only way I could ever have this dream... is to let it go.
Thank you for listening to my deepest and darkest thoughts. I love you guys!
submitted by Gusta-freda to Divorce [link] [comments]


2020.10.22 07:36 Odium_and_Ardency A series of small mistakes leading to a great fall

We met in college at ages 19 and 20, 6 years ago. It was purely physical at first, but morphed into exclusivity with time. We had nothing in common, except for both not being neurotypical. She was from across the country, studying in my home state, focusing on literature and poetry, filled with joy and happiness, always giving the benefit of the doubt, always believing that everyone and their feelings are valid. I was I guess, rough around the edges. I had a difficult adolescence, which began spiraling at age 14 when I was introduced to Oxycontin by my older friends who were in college at the time. This led to me being 16 and hanging out with 22/23/24 year olds who had no problems sticking a needle full of dialudid or heroin into a child's arm on a regular basis. I remember being 15 and having my 19 year old best friend go into the pawn shop for me to pawn my belongings, ipods, laptops, etc, because you can only afford so much working part time at that age. When I was in college, at age 20, I was doing heroin on a daily basis, buying whatever I could afford from my very small wage from doing manual labor on a loading dock. Dinner would typically consist of either bread and hot sauce or just sleep. I had a deep hatred of the world and most of the people who inhabited it. I also hated myself a great deal. I was angry all the time and not willing to understand other's perspectives. I had a great amount of distrust in others. I welcomed death, an overdose to finally pull the blanket over my face, and tuck me into my grave.
Communication between us was always extremely difficult. She having ADHD/BipolaAutism/extreme anxiety and me having a lot of anxiety, depression, and very bad ADHD. My impatience and anger issues never helped when we couldn't find resolution to a lingering problem. That said, I think it's very important to note here that I was never physical or abusive with her in any way. There were lots of times the first few years where I was a huge asshole, I admit, I should of been better. And since then I have been trying to atone for those problems I caused.
We became very codependent. It was just us, we were each other's world for so long. We both weren't doing well, but we had each other. She had a major depressive episode lasting a year, where she dropped out of college and didn't work. She would just play video games day and night with her friends ignoring the outside world.
After 2 years together we decided to get an apartment, finally settle down with each other, we had a dog as well. But before that she went back to her home state for the duration of the summer. I was devastated by this. Mostly because at that point I had alienated all my friends so it was just me trying to get by. I kept a journal, I wrote in it every day, about her, how much I missed her, and how much I loved her. Summer ended and it was finally time to move in together, I was so happy and excited. We got mostly moved in then I had to leave for work for the day. I got back at 10pm or so, walked in the front door, unpacked boxes everywhere, and there she was with the dog to greet me.
For some reason I was terrified. I felt trapped, claustrophobia set in. We were just 21 and 22 at this point and I felt like my life was set in stone like this forever. After being clean from heroin for 6 months or so I picked it back up again. This continued every day for almost exactly one year. During this time I had overdosed. I took too much, laid on the couch, she came in to check on me and found me upside down, blue in the face. She sat me upright, gave me CPR or mouth to mouth or resuscitation, and woke me up. That night she saved my life. And ever since then I felt like I owed her a great debt that I will always try to pay back.
After all that, I quit using drugs and cleaned up. At this point we had been living at this apartment for 2 years, I loved her a great deal, those feelings of being trapped went away, and I knew I wanted to be with her. But I had to leave this apartment. To me it was cursed at this point. And staying in it only gave me a ton of depression. I suggested we move to her home state because it was warm and much better than where we currently were. She was reluctant. She did not like her parents and had found happiness in our little apartment home. This is where she was able to finally find a job she liked nearby and she was actually happy. But I was miserable, I needed out of there otherwise I'd probably end up using again. Every day there I wanted to brush my teeth with a buckshot. I pushed and I pushed and eventually she caved in and agreed.
A few months later we both quit our jobs and drove 18 hours to her home state. There we stayed with her parents for 6 months. I felt great, I felt like I was finally happy here. I was sober and for the first time I was optimistic about the future. I found a job that was able to further my career. But she had difficulty finding a job she liked. About 4 or 5 months into living there she broke up with me out of no where. I was blindsided. She explained that she meant to do it before we moved here but she chickened out. She was unable to communicate how much she didn't want to do this. She then had to leave for work. I was sent into a full panic attack. Here I was, staying with her and her parents, thousands of miles from home, and I was about to be homeless. I drank throughout that night until she came home the next morning. Then we had a long discussion about communication. We agreed to try again. We agreed that we needed to move out of her parents because it was bringing her down.
I was making decent money at this point and found a very nice "luxury" apartment in the town we worked in. I was hesitant but she really liked it, so I pulled the trigger. We moved in on January of 2019 I believe? I thought things were going well, my job was stressful and I wanted to quit, but at least we were together right? I noticed she had become increasingly withdrawn from me. Slowly over time, she'd rather spend much more time gaming and talking to her friends online than spending time with me. To the point where it just felt like we were roommates. I communicated to her multiple times how awful this made me feel, that my emotional needs were not being met at all. But nothing resulted. Maybe for a day she'd spend time with me, but then the next day it would be - work, come home, play video games and talk to friends for 8-10 hours. Eventually, Covid happened, and I was working from home full time. Along with this, I was interviewing for a new job with a pretty prestigious company. I went through 5/6 interviews, not expecting to get the job, but one day the recruiter called me, said it was all mine, I'd start in a month, and the salary was a few thousand shy of 6 figures a year. Incredible news. I had doubled my salary just like that. We were both ecstatic.
She worked nights and I worked days. So I was always home when she was. I think this was suffocating her in a way. Fights increased. And I began to see many signs of emotional cheating on her part. I'd spot out of the corner of my eye very intimate conversations with one individual, who she'd dedicate all of her time to. 90% of her attention would be fixated on this person or another. The people changed over the years but it was very consistent since we had moved states. She would never let me see her phone. One day I saw her messaging someone, a guy, who said something like "good morning sexy :)" and she had replied "heyy! :)", very flirtatious, and it wasn't the first time I had seen something like that. I was upset, but didn't lose my cool or yell. I wanted an explanation, but the explanation was only "were just friends, that's just how we talk". Before all this I had explained boundaries and how I wasn't comfortable with any of this because these random internet people would have 90% of my girlfriend's attention most of the time. It was frustrating. I paid almost all the bills, I cleaned up the apartment, cleaned up after her, took care of the dog, got us food. While she would just either sleep, work, or talk to internet friends. There were times I would have to explain to her that she shouldn't be sleeping for 14-18 hours at a time, and should shower regularly, rather than every 2-3 days. But after seeing that conversation I asked her to stay with her parents for a night while I think about things because no matter what I said, or tried, or did, nothing ever changed. She wouldn't change. She would continue to avoid all responsibility and accountability.
The next morning she was in our bedroom and I was in the living room working. She texted me "are you still mad?" and I said yes, I had just woken up and was working, and was just agitated in general. She flew into a frenzy. Began packing as much of her belongings as she could. Made a big scene of it. I tried talking to her but she wouldn't say a word to me. Just a look of pure hatred in her eyes. I had to be in a work meeting and during that she grabbed her bag and the dog and left. I broke down, started sobbing, called off work for the day and tried to contact her. After several hours she sent me text after text about how she hated me for making her move to her home state, how she hated me for moving into the apartment she wanted (?), and how we were never compatible to begin with and how it would never work between us. She was incredibly cold and made a point of it. That we were finished.
After a week passed she finally agreed to see me. I hugged her and started to break down sobbing. To me she was my everything, even with all the bullshit I had been put through these past few months. She was sympathetic, and agreed to sort of try to reconcile. She would continue to live with her parents who were 40 minutes away, but she would come over every day or every other day after work. She worked nights and would get home at 7:30am and would crawl into bed with me, we would have sex, hold each other, and get food. Then she would leave for the day. I would try to text her throughout the day but never really received much of a response. She would be at her parents gaming for 8 hours straight then pass out, go to work, then visit me for a few hours. About 5 or 6 times we would make plans on her days off for her to come over and we would have a date night, and each time she would fall asleep and not show up. When I tried calling she would reject the calls. Consumed with anxiety and trying to avoid accountability. This continued all summer. Finally, in August we had a breakthrough conversation detailing all the issues in our relationship and how we could move forward, it felt like the most progress we had ever made. A few days later she moved back in.
While she was here I would try to spend time with her. I would try to talk to her. Try to breakthrough to her again. So I could really understand what was bothering her. But she would typically avoid me most of the time. Usually dedicating all her time to gaming or sleeping. After 2 weeks, 2 days in a row she would get off work, then just spend 3 hours in her car on her phone talking to her internet friends. I confronted her about this when she came in. She finally told me that she isn't happy here. She isn't happy with me. And she wants this to finally be over. That was the only explanation I ever got. At this point I was of course devastated, but saw it coming. I love her so much I just want her to be happy. I agreed to end things. It wouldn't make any sense to continue like this. She admitted to me that she hasn't been happy here these past 2 years, and that she completely hid all her true feelings from me. Even though I would constantly ask her what's wrong, is everything ok? She admitted to me, months before she left me, she started the legal paperwork to change her name. Just lie after lie, or rather, keeping me so in the dark as to what she was really feeling.
We spent that entire day together, holding onto each other for one last time. The next day she packed up her things and left. This was late August of this year.
For the next few weeks, she would occasionally come over in the mornings, we were in a strange limbo of intimacy. Very on/off. Eventually I said I cant continue doing this unless we both agree to put in work to fix this relationship. That we both had unresolved issues we needed to fix. She didn't want to do this, said it was too much work, too much effort. That things were beyond repair at this point. I was confused with that statement but let her go. We said our final goodbye in person on September 10th. We held each other, foreheads pressed together, sobbing onto each other's face. The love between us is strong. It always has been. We both said that we would love and care for each other forever. Finally she said, "if I don't leave now, I never will" - that sentence haunts me every single day, and every time I think of it, I fall completely apart. The weight of the world just destroying every ounce of me.
She let me keep the dog, said she prefer the dog stay with me. One weekend I had to go out of town, and she agreed to take the dog for the weekend. When I returned she refused to give me the dog back. She was extremely cold in her words through text again then ghosted me. Refused to answer her phone or respond. I stopped trying at this point. Began no contact which lasted a month.
I focused on myself. I was sober, I wrote, I read, I got more tattoos, I lost more weight, continued seeing a therapist and psychiatrist, working on deep rooted personal issues, and felt more at ease with myself. Went on Tinder, eventually got 50 matches or so. Tried having conversations with these women. Nothing much ever really resulted. A few dates, a one night stand, nothing notable. This left me more depressed than ever. The lack of intimacy, the lack of love, being all alone here with no friends or family remotely nearby. I very temporarily began using again, mostly beer and xanax, or somehow legal opiod RCs that were literal poison that fucked my nose up for weeks. I'd blackout every night, call some of these women, and just rant and ramble about everything for hours on end. Some were interested in this, some thought I was just crazy. But, nothing ever resulted.
I got a puppy, to have some of the companionship that was robbed from me. He's alright, when he's not shitting on my floor.
No contact ended yesterday when I had to reach out to her about how she needed to sign the lease cancellation for the apartment in person, otherwise we lose the deposit. After cycling through all these other women the only thing I wanted was to be back with her again. I missed her more than anything at this point. I figured, a month has passed, she must be missing me right? She must be. I told her about how I was doing, some bad days some good. I asked about her. She said she was still just playing video games at her parents house. And that she was "talking to a nice girl I met online, she's trans." In her texts she was very cold again, talking as if we were only just acquaintances. I asked if that person she met online was a romantic interest or just a friend. No response. I figure she probably fell asleep. Will probably hear the answer tonight. Probably wont like the answer. Yet I still texted her asking if we could meet and get tea sometime. Me, being a complete dumbass, thinking I still have a chance. Whereas she seems perfectly content living with her parents playing video games all day.
I can't grasp the concept of how moved on she is. How incredibly in love with me she used to be, how kind and warm she was. Now I just receive scorn and ice, resentment - even though she has forgiven me and has absolved me of past wrongdoings. I know when things fell apart. It's when we moved here. She thought I took everything from her, her happiness, everything. And there has been resentment towards me ever since. Everything in some capacity is my fault. She hasn't seen a therapist in 2 or 3 years at this point. Even though I insisted she see one because she was genuinely doing better when she was seeing one regularly. She has no interest in having any sort of plans for the future. And seemingly at this point has very little interest in me. And I continue to struggle with this. I can't connect with these other people online. They don't know what I've been through, my struggles, how different I am. I feel like an alien, unable to connect with others. Just wading my way through endless small talk. If I have to ask another person what their occupation is and if they enjoy it one more time I'm going to outfit my skull with a moon roof.
Do you remember that notebook I wrote in every day, several years ago, for her? I still have it, and periodically throughout this I have written letters to her, some angry, some sad, some filled with love. Some of the best poetry I've ever written. Enclosed in that notebook. I planned on giving it to her when January comes and I have to move out. But, I'm not so sure anymore. I don't think she would appreciate it. I don't think she would read it. At least any time soon. And after pouring my entire heart out into those pages, it would sting knowing it would be collecting dust, never opened - or thrown away.
I like to think, at some point, maybe months from now, maybe years. That she will realize she made a mistake. Because for now and the foreseeable future, she is stuck living with her parents, making a very small wage. Whereas I have continually improved myself, not only mentally but emotionally. I've grown a lot during this time. I have a stable career. I could provide near everything to her if she wanted. But she doesn't want it.
For the first time in quite a while, I don't have a plan. I'm 26 now. I haven't been dating since I was a teenager. Our lease ends in January. I literally have no friends or family here, besides my dog. I have a great job that pays even better. So I guess I'll rent a house for a year, continue these conversations with strangers that lead no where. And decide if I want to pack up and head back north at the end of 2021.
After everything, even how for the past year I have been treated like garbage, like I was merely an acquaintance in her life - I still love her. I still cling to the idea of us starting completely over. Meeting for the first time after not seeing each other for a while and rebuilding. Being there for each other. Being able to truly communicate with each other. But, she says she's happy where she is right now. And she is "talking" to someone else. Someone probably kinder than I was. Someone who she can actually communicate with. During the last breakup, I suggested couples therapy - she scoffed at that saying it was only for old people. She just doesn't want to try and fix things. In her eyes, everything has burned to the ground. In my eyes, I still wait in our small apartment, hoping I'll hear that door unlock one day, and she'll come in, and we'd embrace. But I know that day will never come. And the world keeps spinning. Regardless of anyone's hopes.
submitted by Odium_and_Ardency to ExNoContact [link] [comments]


2020.10.22 07:28 Shiloh_Moon What type of social situations scare you the most and what type of situations don’t scare you at all?

I’d say I have in between mild-moderate anxiety, as on my good days I’m charming and magnetic as heck, but In situations that make me uncomfortable I turn into an anxious, cold blocked off version of myself. This usually turns me into becoming really quiet and not engaging with anyone. But my real personality is actually kind of outgoing and silly. But there are situations I’ve found that prevent that part of me from coming out :(
-Dinner Parties/Restaurant with ppl your only closely acquainted to(I’m good when I’m with friends). I find this so excruciating cause it’s kinda hard to leave and ur kinda stuck in one place for 2ish hours. -Meeting groups of people who already know/have shared history with each other and being the new person in the group whether it be at work or meeting group of friends. -Meeting S/0’s friends/family. High expectations, don’t wanna be seen as quiet and uninterested. -Job interviews. Self explanatory. -Being watched and observed by a superior at work when you do your job. -Public speaking/discussion classes in school. I just cannot articulate well enough and my voice quivers it’s not cute. -Being part of a group to do a project. I always feel like I’m the weak link or the most useless one. -2nd/3rd dates and beyond. Usually the second one is where you either keep em or you lose em and it’s a lot of added stress and anxiety for me. -Talking and behaving professionally. I just can’t do this one cause it doesn’t feel like my genuine personality. -Talking on the phone. This one I really want to work on. I can talk to professionals/workers on the phone just fine but when it comes to friends/clients idk why I freeze?
Things I’m strangely not scared of: -Going to clubs/raves/festivals. The alcohol helps loosen everyone up to act wild and crazy. -Doing Karaoke. I’m not afraid to sing even if I’m bad lol -meeting a group of strangers who don’t know each other. I find this is perfect cause everyone has equal footing and there’s less chance of feeling left out because everyone doesn’t know each other that well yet. -big large parties. I find the intimate small gathering(5-10ish ppl) ones honestly more scary. -Talking to ppl on social media. I’ve made a lot of friends on social media, I’m glad for it at times. -Making fool of myself on social media/taking sexy selfies. I like the attention I guess lol. -Pooping in public restrooms(I used to be so self conscious of this as a teen idk why) -First dates. These are usually fun for me. I guess cause there’s a lot more topics to talk about.
Ps: sorry if my post annoying to read. I typed all this on my phone.
submitted by Shiloh_Moon to socialanxiety [link] [comments]


2020.10.22 04:19 Odium_and_Ardency A series of small mistakes leading to a great fall

We met in college at ages 19 and 20, 6 years ago. It was purely physical at first, but morphed into exclusivity with time. We had nothing in common, except for both not being neurotypical. She was from across the country, studying in my home state, focusing on literature and poetry, filled with joy and happiness, always giving the benefit of the doubt, always believing that everyone and their feelings are valid. I was I guess, rough around the edges. I had a difficult adolescence, which began spiraling at age 14 when I was introduced to Oxycontin by my older friends who were in college at the time. This led to me being 16 and hanging out with 22/23/24 year olds who had no problems sticking a needle full of dialudid or heroin into a child's arm on a regular basis. I remember being 15 and having my 19 year old best friend go into the pawn shop for me to pawn my belongings, ipods, laptops, etc, because you can only afford so much working part time at that age. When I was in college, at age 20, I was doing heroin on a daily basis, buying whatever I could afford from my very small wage from doing manual labor on a loading dock. Dinner would typically consist of either bread and hot sauce or just sleep. I had a deep hatred of the world and most of the people who inhabited it. I also hated myself a great deal. I was angry all the time and not willing to understand other's perspectives. I had a great amount of distrust in others. I welcomed death, an overdose to finally pull the blanket over my face, and tuck me into my grave.
Communication between us was always extremely difficult. She having ADHD/BipolaAutism/extreme anxiety and me having a lot of anxiety, depression, and very bad ADHD. My impatience and anger issues never helped when we couldn't find resolution to a lingering problem. That said, I think it's very important to note here that I was never physical or abusive with her in any way. There were lots of times the first few years where I was a huge asshole, I admit, I should of been better. And since then I have been trying to atone for those problems I caused.
We became very codependent. It was just us, we were each other's world for so long. We both weren't doing well, but we had each other. She had a major depressive episode lasting a year, where she dropped out of college and didn't work. She would just play video games day and night with her friends ignoring the outside world.
After 2 years together we decided to get an apartment, finally settle down with each other, we had a dog as well. But before that she went back to her home state for the duration of the summer. I was devastated by this. Mostly because at that point I had alienated all my friends so it was just me trying to get by. I kept a journal, I wrote in it every day, about her, how much I missed her, and how much I loved her. Summer ended and it was finally time to move in together, I was so happy and excited. We got mostly moved in then I had to leave for work for the day. I got back at 10pm or so, walked in the front door, unpacked boxes everywhere, and there she was with the dog to greet me.
For some reason I was terrified. I felt trapped, claustrophobia set in. We were just 21 and 22 at this point and I felt like my life was set in stone like this forever. After being clean from heroin for 6 months or so I picked it back up again. This continued every day for almost exactly one year. During this time I had overdosed. I took too much, laid on the couch, she came in to check on me and found me upside down, blue in the face. She sat me upright, gave me CPR or mouth to mouth or resuscitation, and woke me up. That night she saved my life. And ever since then I felt like I owed her a great debt that I will always try to pay back.
After all that, I quit using drugs and cleaned up. At this point we had been living at this apartment for 2 years, I loved her a great deal, those feelings of being trapped went away, and I knew I wanted to be with her. But I had to leave this apartment. To me it was cursed at this point. And staying in it only gave me a ton of depression. I suggested we move to her home state because it was warm and much better than where we currently were. She was reluctant. She did not like her parents and had found happiness in our little apartment home. This is where she was able to finally find a job she liked nearby and she was actually happy. But I was miserable, I needed out of there otherwise I'd probably end up using again. Every day there I wanted to brush my teeth with a buckshot. I pushed and I pushed and eventually she caved in and agreed.
A few months later we both quit our jobs and drove 18 hours to her home state. There we stayed with her parents for 6 months. I felt great, I felt like I was finally happy here. I was sober and for the first time I was optimistic about the future. I found a job that was able to further my career. But she had difficulty finding a job she liked. About 4 or 5 months into living there she broke up with me out of no where. I was blindsided. She explained that she meant to do it before we moved here but she chickened out. She was unable to communicate how much she didn't want to do this. She then had to leave for work. I was sent into a full panic attack. Here I was, staying with her and her parents, thousands of miles from home, and I was about to be homeless. I drank throughout that night until she came home the next morning. Then we had a long discussion about communication. We agreed to try again. We agreed that we needed to move out of her parents because it was bringing her down.
I was making decent money at this point and found a very nice "luxury" apartment in the town we worked in. I was hesitant but she really liked it, so I pulled the trigger. We moved in on January of 2019 I believe? I thought things were going well, my job was stressful and I wanted to quit, but at least we were together right? I noticed she had become increasingly withdrawn from me. Slowly over time, she'd rather spend much more time gaming and talking to her friends online than spending time with me. To the point where it just felt like we were roommates. I communicated to her multiple times how awful this made me feel, that my emotional needs were not being met at all. But nothing resulted. Maybe for a day she'd spend time with me, but then the next day it would be - work, come home, play video games and talk to friends for 8-10 hours. Eventually, Covid happened, and I was working from home full time. Along with this, I was interviewing for a new job with a pretty prestigious company. I went through 5/6 interviews, not expecting to get the job, but one day the recruiter called me, said it was all mine, I'd start in a month, and the salary was a few thousand shy of 6 figures a year. Incredible news. I had doubled my salary just like that. We were both ecstatic.
She worked nights and I worked days. So I was always home when she was. I think this was suffocating her in a way. Fights increased. And I began to see many signs of emotional cheating on her part. I'd spot out of the corner of my eye very intimate conversations with one individual, who she'd dedicate all of her time to. 90% of her attention would be fixated on this person or another. The people changed over the years but it was very consistent since we had moved states. She would never let me see her phone. One day I saw her messaging someone, a guy, who said something like "good morning sexy :)" and she had replied "heyy! :)", very flirtatious, and it wasn't the first time I had seen something like that. I was upset, but didn't lose my cool or yell. I wanted an explanation, but the explanation was only "were just friends, that's just how we talk". Before all this I had explained boundaries and how I wasn't comfortable with any of this because these random internet people would have 90% of my girlfriend's attention most of the time. It was frustrating. I paid almost all the bills, I cleaned up the apartment, cleaned up after her, took care of the dog, got us food. While she would just either sleep, work, or talk to internet friends. There were times I would have to explain to her that she shouldn't be sleeping for 14-18 hours at a time, and should shower regularly, rather than every 2-3 days. But after seeing that conversation I asked her to stay with her parents for a night while I think about things because no matter what I said, or tried, or did, nothing ever changed. She wouldn't change. She would continue to avoid all responsibility and accountability.
The next morning she was in our bedroom and I was in the living room working. She texted me "are you still mad?" and I said yes, I had just woken up and was working, and was just agitated in general. She flew into a frenzy. Began packing as much of her belongings as she could. Made a big scene of it. I tried talking to her but she wouldn't say a word to me. Just a look of pure hatred in her eyes. I had to be in a work meeting and during that she grabbed her bag and the dog and left. I broke down, started sobbing, called off work for the day and tried to contact her. After several hours she sent me text after text about how she hated me for making her move to her home state, how she hated me for moving into the apartment she wanted (?), and how we were never compatible to begin with and how it would never work between us. She was incredibly cold and made a point of it. That we were finished.
After a week passed she finally agreed to see me. I hugged her and started to break down sobbing. To me she was my everything, even with all the bullshit I had been put through these past few months. She was sympathetic, and agreed to sort of try to reconcile. She would continue to live with her parents who were 40 minutes away, but she would come over every day or every other day after work. She worked nights and would get home at 7:30am and would crawl into bed with me, we would have sex, hold each other, and get food. Then she would leave for the day. I would try to text her throughout the day but never really received much of a response. She would be at her parents gaming for 8 hours straight then pass out, go to work, then visit me for a few hours. About 5 or 6 times we would make plans on her days off for her to come over and we would have a date night, and each time she would fall asleep and not show up. When I tried calling she would reject the calls. Consumed with anxiety and trying to avoid accountability. This continued all summer. Finally, in August we had a breakthrough conversation detailing all the issues in our relationship and how we could move forward, it felt like the most progress we had ever made. A few days later she moved back in.
While she was here I would try to spend time with her. I would try to talk to her. Try to breakthrough to her again. So I could really understand what was bothering her. But she would typically avoid me most of the time. Usually dedicating all her time to gaming or sleeping. After 2 weeks, 2 days in a row she would get off work, then just spend 3 hours in her car on her phone talking to her internet friends. I confronted her about this when she came in. She finally told me that she isn't happy here. She isn't happy with me. And she wants this to finally be over. That was the only explanation I ever got. At this point I was of course devastated, but saw it coming. I love her so much I just want her to be happy. I agreed to end things. It wouldn't make any sense to continue like this. She admitted to me that she hasn't been happy here these past 2 years, and that she completely hid all her true feelings from me. Even though I would constantly ask her what's wrong, is everything ok? She admitted to me, months before she left me, she started the legal paperwork to change her name. Just lie after lie, or rather, keeping me so in the dark as to what she was really feeling.
We spent that entire day together, holding onto each other for one last time. The next day she packed up her things and left. This was late August of this year.
For the next few weeks, she would occasionally come over in the mornings, we were in a strange limbo of intimacy. Very on/off. Eventually I said I cant continue doing this unless we both agree to put in work to fix this relationship. That we both had unresolved issues we needed to fix. She didn't want to do this, said it was too much work, too much effort. That things were beyond repair at this point. I was confused with that statement but let her go. We said our final goodbye in person on September 10th. We held each other, foreheads pressed together, sobbing onto each other's face. The love between us is strong. It always has been. We both said that we would love and care for each other forever. Finally she said, "if I don't leave now, I never will" - that sentence haunts me every single day, and every time I think of it, I fall completely apart. The weight of the world just destroying every ounce of me.
She let me keep the dog, said she prefer the dog stay with me. One weekend I had to go out of town, and she agreed to take the dog for the weekend. When I returned she refused to give me the dog back. She was extremely cold in her words through text again then ghosted me. Refused to answer her phone or respond. I stopped trying at this point. Began no contact which lasted a month.
I focused on myself. I was sober, I wrote, I read, I got more tattoos, I lost more weight, continued seeing a therapist and psychiatrist, working on deep rooted personal issues, and felt more at ease with myself. Went on Tinder, eventually got 50 matches or so. Tried having conversations with these women. Nothing much ever really resulted. A few dates, a one night stand, nothing notable. This left me more depressed than ever. The lack of intimacy, the lack of love, being all alone here with no friends or family remotely nearby. I very temporarily began using again, mostly beer and xanax, or somehow legal opiod RCs that were literal poison that fucked my nose up for weeks. I'd blackout every night, call some of these women, and just rant and ramble about everything for hours on end. Some were interested in this, some thought I was just crazy. But, nothing ever resulted.
I got a puppy, to have some of the companionship that was robbed from me. He's alright, when he's not shitting on my floor.
No contact ended yesterday when I had to reach out to her about how she needed to sign the lease cancellation for the apartment in person, otherwise we lose the deposit. After cycling through all these other women the only thing I wanted was to be back with her again. I missed her more than anything at this point. I figured, a month has passed, she must be missing me right? She must be. I told her about how I was doing, some bad days some good. I asked about her. She said she was still just playing video games at her parents house. And that she was "talking to a nice girl I met online, she's trans." In her texts she was very cold again, talking as if we were only just acquaintances. I asked if that person she met online was a romantic interest or just a friend. No response. I figure she probably fell asleep. Will probably hear the answer tonight. Probably wont like the answer. Yet I still texted her asking if we could meet and get tea sometime. Me, being a complete dumbass, thinking I still have a chance. Whereas she seems perfectly content living with her parents playing video games all day.
I can't grasp the concept of how moved on she is. How incredibly in love with me she used to be, how kind and warm she was. Now I just receive scorn and ice, resentment - even though she has forgiven me and has absolved me of past wrongdoings. I know when things fell apart. It's when we moved here. She thought I took everything from her, her happiness, everything. And there has been resentment towards me ever since. Everything in some capacity is my fault. She hasn't seen a therapist in 2 or 3 years at this point. Even though I insisted she see one because she was genuinely doing better when she was seeing one regularly. She has no interest in having any sort of plans for the future. And seemingly at this point has very little interest in me. And I continue to struggle with this. I can't connect with these other people online. They don't know what I've been through, my struggles, how different I am. I feel like an alien, unable to connect with others. Just wading my way through endless small talk. If I have to ask another person what their occupation is and if they enjoy it one more time I'm going to outfit my skull with a moon roof.
Do you remember that notebook I wrote in every day, several years ago, for her? I still have it, and periodically throughout this I have written letters to her, some angry, some sad, some filled with love. Some of the best poetry I've ever written. Enclosed in that notebook. I planned on giving it to her when January comes and I have to move out. But, I'm not so sure anymore. I don't think she would appreciate it. I don't think she would read it. At least any time soon. And after pouring my entire heart out into those pages, it would sting knowing it would be collecting dust, never opened - or thrown away.
I like to think, at some point, maybe months from now, maybe years. That she will realize she made a mistake. Because for now and the foreseeable future, she is stuck living with her parents, making a very small wage. Whereas I have continually improved myself, not only mentally but emotionally. I've grown a lot during this time. I have a stable career. I could provide near everything to her if she wanted. But she doesn't want it.
For the first time in quite a while, I don't have a plan. I'm 26 now. I haven't been dating since I was a teenager. Our lease ends in January. I literally have no friends or family here, besides my dog. I have a great job that pays even better. So I guess I'll rent a house for a year, continue these conversations with strangers that lead no where. And decide if I want to pack up and head back north at the end of 2021.
After everything, even how for the past year I have been treated like garbage, like I was merely an acquaintance in her life - I still love her. I still cling to the idea of us starting completely over. Meeting for the first time after not seeing each other for a while and rebuilding. Being there for each other. Being able to truly communicate with each other. But, she says she's happy where she is right now. And she is "talking" to someone else. Someone probably kinder than I was. Someone who she can actually communicate with. During the last breakup, I suggested couples therapy - she scoffed at that saying it was only for old people. She just doesn't want to try and fix things. In her eyes, everything has burned to the ground. In my eyes, I still wait in our small apartment, hoping I'll hear that door unlock one day, and she'll come in, and we'd embrace. But I know that day will never come. And the world keeps spinning. Regardless of anyone's hopes.
submitted by Odium_and_Ardency to Codependency [link] [comments]


2020.10.22 03:57 DaffodilDork I don’t wanna talk, I want to make out

I (f,18) meet guys and flirt a lot with them via text or calling until we can meet up again in person for a proper date. The problem is, no matter how steamy or flirty the messaging gets, once I have a guy in front of me (in public, or in my dorm room all alone), all we do is talk. I’ve been told I’m an interesting person to talk to, but when I try to throw out something suggestive or touch his elbow or shoulder, tell him something he does is sexy, somehow we always end up talking about politics or video games or calculus. Even the guys I meet on Tinder! This has happened every time I’ve tried dating anyone, for years. Before long I’m stuck in the friend zone again. What am I doing wrong? Why will they flirt with me over text, but I get them back to my place and all they want to do is ramble on about their favorite games? Don’t get me wrong, I love an engaging conversation, and I don’t ever think you can have too many friends, but I just want someone to shut up and shove me against a wall. Or at least give me a goodnight kiss. I’ll take a mildly handsy hug at this point.
We’ll go on proper dates for coffee or to a museum or have a picnic or something. They’ll say flirty things, we’ll both get a little physical and touchy-feely, but eventually we end up in the same place where they talk about themselves for a couple hours, say it was the best night they’ve had in a while, and then leave. Sometimes we go on subsequent “dates” that end the same way, sometimes we just keep messaging until it dies out. Why do I keep being friend zoned? I feel I am very forward!
Tl;dr I flirt with guys a ton over texts (obvious flirting, steamy stuff), but when I get them alone they just end up talking for hours. I’m getting blue balls. How do I get a guy to want to kiss me, or at least get to a spot where I feel he wants me to initiate one myself?!
submitted by DaffodilDork to relationship_advice [link] [comments]


2020.10.22 03:54 Odium_and_Ardency A series of small mistakes leading to a great fall

We met in college at ages 19 and 20, 6 years ago. It was purely physical at first, but morphed into exclusivity with time. We had nothing in common, except for both not being neurotypical. She was from across the country, studying in my home state, focusing on literature and poetry, filled with joy and happiness, always giving the benefit of the doubt, always believing that everyone and their feelings are valid. I was I guess, rough around the edges. I had a difficult adolescence, which began spiraling at age 14 when I was introduced to Oxycontin by my older friends who were in college at the time. This led to me being 16 and hanging out with 22/23/24 year olds who had no problems sticking a needle full of dialudid or heroin into a child's arm on a regular basis. I remember being 15 and having my 19 year old best friend go into the pawn shop for me to pawn my belongings, ipods, laptops, etc, because you can only afford so much working part time at that age. When I was in college, at age 20, I was doing heroin on a daily basis, buying whatever I could afford from my very small wage from doing manual labor on a loading dock. Dinner would typically consist of either bread and hot sauce or just sleep. I had a deep hatred of the world and most of the people who inhabited it. I also hated myself a great deal. I was angry all the time and not willing to understand other's perspectives. I had a great amount of distrust in others. I welcomed death, an overdose to finally pull the blanket over my face, and tuck me into my grave.
Communication between us was always extremely difficult. She having ADHD/BipolaAutism/extreme anxiety and me having a lot of anxiety, depression, and very bad ADHD. My impatience and anger issues never helped when we couldn't find resolution to a lingering problem. That said, I think it's very important to note here that I was never physical or abusive with her in any way. There were lots of times the first few years where I was a huge asshole, I admit, I should of been better. And since then I have been trying to atone for those problems I caused.
We became very codependent. It was just us, we were each other's world for so long. We both weren't doing well, but we had each other. She had a major depressive episode lasting a year, where she dropped out of college and didn't work. She would just play video games day and night with her friends ignoring the outside world.
After 2 years together we decided to get an apartment, finally settle down with each other, we had a dog as well. But before that she went back to her home state for the duration of the summer. I was devastated by this. Mostly because at that point I had alienated all my friends so it was just me trying to get by. I kept a journal, I wrote in it every day, about her, how much I missed her, and how much I loved her. Summer ended and it was finally time to move in together, I was so happy and excited. We got mostly moved in then I had to leave for work for the day. I got back at 10pm or so, walked in the front door, unpacked boxes everywhere, and there she was with the dog to greet me.
For some reason I was terrified. I felt trapped, claustrophobia set in. We were just 21 and 22 at this point and I felt like my life was set in stone like this forever. After being clean from heroin for 6 months or so I picked it back up again. This continued every day for almost exactly one year. During this time I had overdosed. I took too much, laid on the couch, she came in to check on me and found me upside down, blue in the face. She sat me upright, gave me CPR or mouth to mouth or resuscitation, and woke me up. That night she saved my life. And ever since then I felt like I owed her a great debt that I will always try to pay back.
After all that, I quit using drugs and cleaned up. At this point we had been living at this apartment for 2 years, I loved her a great deal, those feelings of being trapped went away, and I knew I wanted to be with her. But I had to leave this apartment. To me it was cursed at this point. And staying in it only gave me a ton of depression. I suggested we move to her home state because it was warm and much better than where we currently were. She was reluctant. She did not like her parents and had found happiness in our little apartment home. This is where she was able to finally find a job she liked nearby and she was actually happy. But I was miserable, I needed out of there otherwise I'd probably end up using again. Every day there I wanted to brush my teeth with a buckshot. I pushed and I pushed and eventually she caved in and agreed.
A few months later we both quit our jobs and drove 18 hours to her home state. There we stayed with her parents for 6 months. I felt great, I felt like I was finally happy here. I was sober and for the first time I was optimistic about the future. I found a job that was able to further my career. But she had difficulty finding a job she liked. About 4 or 5 months into living there she broke up with me out of no where. I was blindsided. She explained that she meant to do it before we moved here but she chickened out. She was unable to communicate how much she didn't want to do this. She then had to leave for work. I was sent into a full panic attack. Here I was, staying with her and her parents, thousands of miles from home, and I was about to be homeless. I drank throughout that night until she came home the next morning. Then we had a long discussion about communication. We agreed to try again. We agreed that we needed to move out of her parents because it was bringing her down.
I was making decent money at this point and found a very nice "luxury" apartment in the town we worked in. I was hesitant but she really liked it, so I pulled the trigger. We moved in on January of 2019 I believe? I thought things were going well, my job was stressful and I wanted to quit, but at least we were together right? I noticed she had become increasingly withdrawn from me. Slowly over time, she'd rather spend much more time gaming and talking to her friends online than spending time with me. To the point where it just felt like we were roommates. I communicated to her multiple times how awful this made me feel, that my emotional needs were not being met at all. But nothing resulted. Maybe for a day she'd spend time with me, but then the next day it would be - work, come home, play video games and talk to friends for 8-10 hours. Eventually, Covid happened, and I was working from home full time. Along with this, I was interviewing for a new job with a pretty prestigious company. I went through 5/6 interviews, not expecting to get the job, but one day the recruiter called me, said it was all mine, I'd start in a month, and the salary was a few thousand shy of 6 figures a year. Incredible news. I had doubled my salary just like that. We were both ecstatic.
She worked nights and I worked days. So I was always home when she was. I think this was suffocating her in a way. Fights increased. And I began to see many signs of emotional cheating on her part. I'd spot out of the corner of my eye very intimate conversations with one individual, who she'd dedicate all of her time to. 90% of her attention would be fixated on this person or another. The people changed over the years but it was very consistent since we had moved states. She would never let me see her phone. One day I saw her messaging someone, a guy, who said something like "good morning sexy :)" and she had replied "heyy! :)", very flirtatious, and it wasn't the first time I had seen something like that. I was upset, but didn't lose my cool or yell. I wanted an explanation, but the explanation was only "were just friends, that's just how we talk". Before all this I had explained boundaries and how I wasn't comfortable with any of this because these random internet people would have 90% of my girlfriend's attention most of the time. It was frustrating. I paid almost all the bills, I cleaned up the apartment, cleaned up after her, took care of the dog, got us food. While she would just either sleep, work, or talk to internet friends. There were times I would have to explain to her that she shouldn't be sleeping for 14-18 hours at a time, and should shower regularly, rather than every 2-3 days. But after seeing that conversation I asked her to stay with her parents for a night while I think about things because no matter what I said, or tried, or did, nothing ever changed. She wouldn't change. She would continue to avoid all responsibility and accountability.
The next morning she was in our bedroom and I was in the living room working. She texted me "are you still mad?" and I said yes, I had just woken up and was working, and was just agitated in general. She flew into a frenzy. Began packing as much of her belongings as she could. Made a big scene of it. I tried talking to her but she wouldn't say a word to me. Just a look of pure hatred in her eyes. I had to be in a work meeting and during that she grabbed her bag and the dog and left. I broke down, started sobbing, called off work for the day and tried to contact her. After several hours she sent me text after text about how she hated me for making her move to her home state, how she hated me for moving into the apartment she wanted (?), and how we were never compatible to begin with and how it would never work between us. She was incredibly cold and made a point of it. That we were finished.
After a week passed she finally agreed to see me. I hugged her and started to break down sobbing. To me she was my everything, even with all the bullshit I had been put through these past few months. She was sympathetic, and agreed to sort of try to reconcile. She would continue to live with her parents who were 40 minutes away, but she would come over every day or every other day after work. She worked nights and would get home at 7:30am and would crawl into bed with me, we would have sex, hold each other, and get food. Then she would leave for the day. I would try to text her throughout the day but never really received much of a response. She would be at her parents gaming for 8 hours straight then pass out, go to work, then visit me for a few hours. About 5 or 6 times we would make plans on her days off for her to come over and we would have a date night, and each time she would fall asleep and not show up. When I tried calling she would reject the calls. Consumed with anxiety and trying to avoid accountability. This continued all summer. Finally, in August we had a breakthrough conversation detailing all the issues in our relationship and how we could move forward, it felt like the most progress we had ever made. A few days later she moved back in.
While she was here I would try to spend time with her. I would try to talk to her. Try to breakthrough to her again. So I could really understand what was bothering her. But she would typically avoid me most of the time. Usually dedicating all her time to gaming or sleeping. After 2 weeks, 2 days in a row she would get off work, then just spend 3 hours in her car on her phone talking to her internet friends. I confronted her about this when she came in. She finally told me that she isn't happy here. She isn't happy with me. And she wants this to finally be over. That was the only explanation I ever got. At this point I was of course devastated, but saw it coming. I love her so much I just want her to be happy. I agreed to end things. It wouldn't make any sense to continue like this. She admitted to me that she hasn't been happy here these past 2 years, and that she completely hid all her true feelings from me. Even though I would constantly ask her what's wrong, is everything ok? She admitted to me, months before she left me, she started the legal paperwork to change her name. Just lie after lie, or rather, keeping me so in the dark as to what she was really feeling.
We spent that entire day together, holding onto each other for one last time. The next day she packed up her things and left. This was late August of this year.
For the next few weeks, she would occasionally come over in the mornings, we were in a strange limbo of intimacy. Very on/off. Eventually I said I cant continue doing this unless we both agree to put in work to fix this relationship. That we both had unresolved issues we needed to fix. She didn't want to do this, said it was too much work, too much effort. That things were beyond repair at this point. I was confused with that statement but let her go. We said our final goodbye in person on September 10th. We held each other, foreheads pressed together, sobbing onto each other's face. The love between us is strong. It always has been. We both said that we would love and care for each other forever. Finally she said, "if I don't leave now, I never will" - that sentence haunts me every single day, and every time I think of it, I fall completely apart. The weight of the world just destroying every ounce of me.
She let me keep the dog, said she prefer the dog stay with me. One weekend I had to go out of town, and she agreed to take the dog for the weekend. When I returned she refused to give me the dog back. She was extremely cold in her words through text again then ghosted me. Refused to answer her phone or respond. I stopped trying at this point. Began no contact which lasted a month.
I focused on myself. I was sober, I wrote, I read, I got more tattoos, I lost more weight, continued seeing a therapist and psychiatrist, working on deep rooted personal issues, and felt more at ease with myself. Went on Tinder, eventually got 50 matches or so. Tried having conversations with these women. Nothing much ever really resulted. A few dates, a one night stand, nothing notable. This left me more depressed than ever. The lack of intimacy, the lack of love, being all alone here with no friends or family remotely nearby. I very temporarily began using again, mostly beer and xanax, or somehow legal opiod RCs that were literal poison that fucked my nose up for weeks. I'd blackout every night, call some of these women, and just rant and ramble about everything for hours on end. Some were interested in this, some thought I was just crazy. But, nothing ever resulted.
I got a puppy, to have some of the companionship that was robbed from me. He's alright, when he's not shitting on my floor.
No contact ended yesterday when I had to reach out to her about how she needed to sign the lease cancellation for the apartment in person, otherwise we lose the deposit. After cycling through all these other women the only thing I wanted was to be back with her again. I missed her more than anything at this point. I figured, a month has passed, she must be missing me right? She must be. I told her about how I was doing, some bad days some good. I asked about her. She said she was still just playing video games at her parents house. And that she was "talking to a nice girl I met online, she's trans." In her texts she was very cold again, talking as if we were only just acquaintances. I asked if that person she met online was a romantic interest or just a friend. No response. I figure she probably fell asleep. Will probably hear the answer tonight. Probably wont like the answer. Yet I still texted her asking if we could meet and get tea sometime. Me, being a complete dumbass, thinking I still have a chance. Whereas she seems perfectly content living with her parents playing video games all day.
I can't grasp the concept of how moved on she is. How incredibly in love with me she used to be, how kind and warm she was. Now I just receive scorn and ice, resentment - even though she has forgiven me and has absolved me of past wrongdoings. I know when things fell apart. It's when we moved here. She thought I took everything from her, her happiness, everything. And there has been resentment towards me ever since. Everything in some capacity is my fault. She hasn't seen a therapist in 2 or 3 years at this point. Even though I insisted she see one because she was genuinely doing better when she was seeing one regularly. She has no interest in having any sort of plans for the future. And seemingly at this point has very little interest in me. And I continue to struggle with this. I can't connect with these other people online. They don't know what I've been through, my struggles, how different I am. I feel like an alien, unable to connect with others. Just wading my way through endless small talk. If I have to ask another person what their occupation is and if they enjoy it one more time I'm going to outfit my skull with a moon roof.
Do you remember that notebook I wrote in every day, several years ago, for her? I still have it, and periodically throughout this I have written letters to her, some angry, some sad, some filled with love. Some of the best poetry I've ever written. Enclosed in that notebook. I planned on giving it to her when January comes and I have to move out. But, I'm not so sure anymore. I don't think she would appreciate it. I don't think she would read it. At least any time soon. And after pouring my entire heart out into those pages, it would sting knowing it would be collecting dust, never opened - or thrown away.
I like to think, at some point, maybe months from now, maybe years. That she will realize she made a mistake. Because for now and the foreseeable future, she is stuck living with her parents, making a very small wage. Whereas I have continually improved myself, not only mentally but emotionally. I've grown a lot during this time. I have a stable career. I could provide near everything to her if she wanted. But she doesn't want it.
For the first time in quite a while, I don't have a plan. I'm 26 now. I haven't been dating since I was a teenager. Our lease ends in January. I literally have no friends or family here, besides my dog. I have a great job that pays even better. So I guess I'll rent a house for a year, continue these conversations with strangers that lead no where. And decide if I want to pack up and head back north at the end of 2021.
After everything, even how for the past year I have been treated like garbage, like I was merely an acquaintance in her life - I still love her. I still cling to the idea of us starting completely over. Meeting for the first time after not seeing each other for a while and rebuilding. Being there for each other. Being able to truly communicate with each other. But, she says she's happy where she is right now. And she is "talking" to someone else. Someone probably kinder than I was. Someone who she can actually communicate with. During the last breakup, I suggested couples therapy - she scoffed at that saying it was only for old people. She just doesn't want to try and fix things. In her eyes, everything has burned to the ground. In my eyes, I still wait in our small apartment, hoping I'll hear that door unlock one day, and she'll come in, and we'd embrace. But I know that day will never come. And the world keeps spinning. Regardless of anyone's hopes.
submitted by Odium_and_Ardency to BreakUps [link] [comments]


2020.10.21 20:44 throwitaway65329 My [20s/F] bf [20s/M] made some comments about my body that I can’t get over

We are long distance and just started dating in June. We haven’t had a chance to meet in person yet, but have spent a lot of time together on FaceTime.
When we FaceTime, he asks to see my body a lot. I don’t mind this in itself, I like the way my body looks and he is usually really encouraging and makes an effort to make me feel sexy and attractive. I should also mention that he is an ass man, he’s made it very clear that that’s the part he’s most attracted to on a woman’s body.
The last time he asked to see it, he wanted me to pose in different ways so he can clearly see my ass. He said that I don’t have a bubble butt like other women, but that it’s enough for him.
I know that he meant it as a compliment, I really don’t think he was trying to put me down by saying it, but it really hurt my self esteem and made me feel completely different about showing him anything. I feel like he is comparing my body to other women, and the way he said it makes me feel he thinks I am somehow lacking.
I feel like I’m probably being a bit sensitive about this, but it just bothers me that he’s the one who is asking me to show my body, I didn’t ask him for an honest rating or anything. These comments were unsolicited, which I wouldn’t mind if he was saying nice things, but what he said felt more like a backhanded compliment. He shows me his body all the time, and yes I’ve seen guys with “better” bodies, but I don’t see the point in bringing that up unless he specifically asks for it. I’m also not thinking about those guys or comparing them in my mind when I see him. I only talk about the things I like about his body.
I know I could bring it up to him and let him know how much it bothered me, but the damage is already done and I don’t feel as confident with him anymore. Is it unreasonable of me to only want to hear nice things about my body? It’s not that I think I have a perfect body or anything, but I’m already aware of my imperfections and I don’t want someone else pointing them out to me if I’m not asking for it.
submitted by throwitaway65329 to relationship_advice [link] [comments]


2020.10.21 20:44 ThrowRAsuchtrouble My (F26) boyfriend (M26) is sloppy - how do I tell him?

In advance - I'm so sorry for being superficial, I really am.
I started dating a friend of mine in July after having a crush on him for years. He still lives at home (it's an expensive city) and I live alone, so he comes over to mine about twice a week.
Our relationship is going great (despite the world's circumstances) and I feel like he can teach me a lot about areas I'm interested in but don't know much about, and vice versa. Sex is great, he's a great kisser, gives me lots of compliments - you get the deal.
Here's the issue. He's not really....full of good manners. Or especially clean. Or knows how to dress.
He'll burp and fart, and has done so since the beginning. I know this shouldn't be a thing, but along with everything else, it bothers me. He'll easily brush his teeth three times a day to keep them clean, but doesn't seem to know that you should pull that extra skin back to clean, which often makes that area smell. (I honestly wonder how he hasn't noticed). His toenails are often long and when I've commented (nicely) on it, he says he recently cut them and he thinks they look fine.
His sense of style isn't the best, and he'll often walk into a shop and buy the first adidas jumper he sees and just a standard pair of (kinda saggy) H&M jeans. Not that big of a deal, but I find men who care about what they wear extremely sexy.
One last thing - he recently shaved all his beard off, and decided to cut his hair short. And kept the mustache. It's such a big change that it's altered my sex drive, haha.
Am I being a total asshole here? I know I should love him for his personality, which I do, but I wish he cared more about his apperance and cleaniness. He's also very unorganised for a 26 year old, and it turns me off so much.
Is there anything I can say? How do I even get him to clean down there properly without sounding like a total bitch? And with the rest - should I just suck it up and focus on the positive?
submitted by ThrowRAsuchtrouble to relationship_advice [link] [comments]


2020.10.21 16:19 insecurebiatchhelp I find blowjobs and anal degrading.

I've labelled this as a rant, but I'm more so just curious about what others think.
So, majority of us are introduced to sex way before having it by watching porn.
Porn is, of course, male centred. Even lesbian porn is made for men. Everything is about him and the male audience. The sex ends once he has finished, not when she has. Fake moaning and few orgasms for her (if any). Women being seen as eager and willing to please, doing anything for him. And so on.
Blowjobs:
The only person being pleasured here is men. In porn it is often seen as a form of degregation, even in more soft core professional porn because he is using her (male fantasy). This sexy beautiful women is being throat fucked and used by him, like nothing but a toy for his pleasure. Men enjoy this as they like the thought of a beautiful woman submitting to their use. That is the point of porn, to please the male fantasy.
This is then enforced in society, where we see blow jobs and normal. You can totally imagine a woman giving her man a quick sneaky blow job in the car. But you would never hear of a man going down on a woman without getting something in return. It's mostly always his pleasure, or none at all. But women are always expected to be willing to give oral, while men so rarely do the same. They often say they don't like it, women are gross/smelly, or they only do it in serious relationships. They have all the excuses, but if a women doesn't like giving then she is a stuck up prude.
I hear all the time also when a guy is nice and enthusiastic about dating a woman, then she must have amazing head game. As if...he can only like her if she is willing to please him. As though...the only women who are worth dating are those who willing subject themselves to being used by men, without anything in return.
How can a man truly look at a woman as he fucks her mouth, and think lovingly things of her? He isn't pleasing her, just himself, fucking her mouth when her body has a hole for that exact purpose. What he is thinking at this time is how good it is to have this woman on her knees for his own pleasure.
All in all it just seems degrading to me because it is seen as using a woman. In porn it is more often than not, a form of degregation. How can we not say that this isn't projected onto mens minds also?
Anal:
Then with anal. It is known to be painful for women, and yet they still hound women for it. Begging after she has said no. Shaming their partner online because they never let's him stick it in her ass but his ex totally let him all the time.
It is seen as taboo and dirty. Something you cannot have, and so they want it more. Getting it is seen as a big achievement, and once you give in they want it all the time.
She has a vagina. With the right moves and technique, she can get off and feel pleasure though PIV. But they'd rather cause pain and stick it in another hole because they see it in porn all the time. Again, they see her as something for his use and pleasure only, not caring about her pleasure.
Of course there are exceptions, some women like anal, but they likely had to be hounded before hand to finally try it.
Overall, I just find them both to be degrading. You're with your partner, and the only thing you're focused on is your own pleasure, even risking causing her pain or to choke/gag. Doesn't seem right to me.
I think they both support patriarchal and misogynistic views that women exist only to benefit men.
What are your thoughts?
submitted by insecurebiatchhelp to TwoXSex [link] [comments]


2020.10.21 12:10 ThrowRA10ystpy I (30sF) need help ending the abusive relationship from HELL. Wish I didn't love him.

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year. He moved this relationship forward extremely quickly, but I thought it was for the best - we had all the important things in common, he's the most fun and adventurous person I have ever met. Lesson learned.
And it's been all downhill from there.
I KNOW I need to leave. I've known for a while. I'm not sure it's safe for him or I so I'm working on finding an easy way out.
From least concerning to most concerning here are the problems:
1- He is more lustful than my self esteem can handle. Like a pornstar's asshole as his computer background lustful. He follows loads of attractive women on all forms of social media. Models, athletes, fashionistas, egirls, pornstars, random women, but all of them are impossibly perfect 10s. He wants me to try to be more like them, but I never could. He'll talk about how sexy his exes were, and how great they looked in certain articles of clothing. When I showed intrest in purchasing similar things he made it clear that it would not look good on me. Once in conversation his thoughts wandered out loud and he said he would be shallow if he didn't love me. I know he meant it as a compliment to my positive qualities, but it also spoke to how he feels about my looks. I'm not even bad looking. Above average at least, skinny with a really nice ass. But he makes me feel hideous. He once went to hang out with a "friend" that I knew he had a sexual past with, assured me nothing would happen, only to admit later that he "only fingered her" and claimed he did it for me so we can have a threesome because I'm bi. I might have agreed to an open relationship if he had asked, so that just makes the lying feel even worse. The other day he got a phone call after midnight and picked up and hung up very quickly, and I had already noticed him messaging girls when he's near me, and his friend lists filling up with sexy women, I returned the favor and snooped as well, and he has been telling people we are in an open relationship (he told me in no uncertain terms that is not the case) and has asked people if they want to date him.
2- He's a bum. At first the excuses for not working made sense, and I cut him some slack. But now it's been a year of him not working while expecting me to pay for everything. He even asks me to buy him weed. He had a windfall of money that would have allowed him to buy a car, but he blew it all, and only two of the purchases were useful at all. He even went on vacation without me because he wouldn't wait a week for my schedule to clear up, and then asked me to pay for hotel stays on his trip. He wants to work now, but only if I work with him, because he has no other way to get to work.
3- His jealousy is out of control. He checks my phone regularly. He went through old messages with my ex and made me out as the bad guy for having ended that relationship with complete disregard to my reasons. He is convinced I had a sexual relationship with a male friend of mine before our relationship started and punched a hole in the wall during an argument about it, even though I would have had no reason to lie about things that would have happened before we met.
4- He's controlling. Beyond just looking through my phone, and expecting me to drop most of my friends (male and female). He started getting controlling about what I eat, saying if I love him I will eat what he tells me to, going so far as to force me to eat mud, and to forcibly make me vomit after eating food he does not approve of. At a friends house he claimed a friend of a friend was hitting on me and I didn't do enough to stop it, when the guy was actually talking to him the whole time.
5- He's rude. To some it should be towards the top, but bad manners are my biggest pet peeve because they are the easiest thing not to have. He expects things without asking first, uses racial slurs (I'm as mixed as you can get - on 23andme my entire world map is colored), doesn't stop behaviors he is told make people uncomfortable, takes things from people without asking (including my car while I am sleeping, and an entire box of kid prizes from a game, basically anything he wants), and is just generally intentionally tactless and never feels bad about it.
6- This one is VERY GRAPHIC. Proceed with caution. Sexually, he terrifies me. He never respects my boundaries when I say no, even if it may be something permanently damaging. This includes holding my legs open and sounding me with items not made for that and without lubrication, penetrating my cervix with things like that, trying to finger it, trying to fist me, not taking anal slow at all, using objects too big for me to handle yet, vaginally, anally, and in my urethra. Once he walked into the bathroom while I was naked on the toilet, tried to put a cigarette out on my nipple, and got mad at me for panicing and crying afterwards. He usually just tells me to stop whining or being a baby.
7- Animal abuse. If he finds this he'll know this is me, so I really hope this stays quiet. He only believes in eating food from the wild. No big deal, hunting is a relatively normal activity for many people. On one foraging hike though he found a box turtle and I did everything in my power to convince him not to eat it. He played along very convincingly, talking and acting as if we would keep it as a pet. As he was talking, he was in and out of the kitchen, but still within eye and ear shot. In the middle of discussing how to care for it, he walked over and picked it up, walked back to the kitchen, and dropped it, live, into a pot of boiling water, right in front of me. He later admitted it was on purpose, to toughen me up because I'm not tough enough for his lifestyle apparently.
8- He is batshit crazy. He suffers from paranoid delusions. He believes he is the most important person on the planet, and I'm not exaggerating. He believes he is being watched by the CIA and the FBI. He very well might be, because he sent them both very long letters on usb sticks with fantastical claims about his psychic abilities, so I imagine he is on some watchlist for weirdos. He has accused me on multiple occasions of having been sent by them or the Vatican or MI5 to influence the way he thinks and harness his power. He thinks not only that the food supply in general is poisoned to kill us, but specifically anything intended for him, that if he plans a grocery store trip or foraging outing in advance, someone will race to beat him there and poison his food. Everyone who walks down the street is a spy. People in a sattelite watch his life like it is a tv show and send people to mess with him. His brother tried to kill him. His mother tried to kill him. His ex's family tried to kill him, everyone is out to get him. Covid is a hoax to cover up the food poisoning and that's the real reason people are dying. He says people whisper things to him that they shouldn't know about. He did get a schizophrenia diagnosis as a result of his court ordered mental health treatment - court ordered due to erratic behavior before, during, and after two seperate arrests for felonies.
Now, like I said, it's obvious I need to leave, but 1- I don't really feel safe doing so, and 2- I genuinely feel like I would be a bad person if I did.
I have my own mental health problems. I have BPD, which is just as stigmatized as schizophrenia. I would be a hypocrite if I gave up on him for his mental health problems, when he (kind of) puts up with mine. And if I leave, no one is going to help him. He needs help and has no one to fall back on for it. I know he sounds evil because of the things he has done, but that's not 100% of who he is. There is good and beauty in him too, and it should thrive.
I did try breaking up with him once already, and while that did not go according to plan, it did have some positive effects. He's been a lot kinder to me lately, gentler, more romantic. He still has very little patience, hangs up without saying goodbye, that sort of thing, but there have been positive changes. I know he still talks to other women, but he is keeping it out of my sight at least, which is more tolerable. I'm not too worried about it because he's actually pretty bad at picking up women, so really they are no more than penpals and some catfish. He's been allowing me to eat real food, and actually buying ingredients and cooking for me. He learned that if he asks to use my car I will usually say yes, and he repays me by cleaning it for me and replacing the gasoline. He doesn't yell anymore, and is getting really good at articulating his feelings instead of lashing out. He still has a long way to go but the improvements are huge.
I have really bad anemia, and low blood pressure, so I have been known to faint every once in a while, though it seems to be becoming more frequent. Last time I fainted I ended up with a very bad injury that will take a while to recover from, and he's been very helpful with taking care of my wound. On that day he had trouble waking me up again. He actually did CPR on me on his lawn. The neighbors stood around watching like nosey unhelpful idiots, not asking if we needed help until I came to. Well when I did come ro, he was sobbing. I've never seen him come close to crying before. He was convinced I was going to die right there in his arms. I honestly thought at that point that he was only using me for money, transportation, and sex, but as of that day it became suddenly apparent that he actually loves me. Now I feel horrible about wanting to break up. Before I thought he wouldn't feel anything about it but anger, but now he's showing me he really cares, and I really don't want to hurt and betray him like that. But I also can't care for us both on my own. And I don't think I can move on from the past. And frankly, I don't think either one of us is truly happy together. I know what to do, buy I have no idea how to do it as painlessly as possible. I have even considered trying to set him up with someone else, but it may be too obvious. If only I could convince him it is his idea.
TL;DR: My paranoid schizophrenic double felon unemployed boyfriend needs to go. But I'm feeling guilty about breaking up, because he is improving, and it turns out he actually does love me. What is the safest and kindest way out?
submitted by ThrowRA10ystpy to relationship_advice [link] [comments]


2020.10.21 07:50 roalddahl14 I want to reconnect with a "straight" friend with whom I had a gay encounter 17 years ago

Hi, looking for some advice and perspective here. It is a story spanning 17 years. So, this is a long post.
TL;DR: I had a consensual gay sexual encounter with my close "straight" friend "V" 17 years ago when both of us were 21. Immediately after the encounter, he became estranged and distanced himself. I apologized to him the following week but he never responded to me. Although I enjoyed the sex, I began feeling "used" when he started avoiding me. Strangely, 2 years later, he began intruding my life through common friends, colleagues, and even roommates. It was almost as if he was stalking me. After 3 years, out of nowhere, he reached out to me and apologized. But I was still very hurt and declined him. After 4 years, I left the city (and country) and moved to graduate school. We never spoke again. Throughout these four years, all our 5-6 interactions were very civil, polite, and always initiated by him. Once (13 years ago) I was hospitalized and, even though we were not on speaking terms, he texted me and inquired about my health. Now, 17 years after the encounter and 13 years after my last contact with him, I feel I acted childishly and remember him a lot. I want to reach out to him to get closure (to not sleep with him again; just be friends). He is now married (perhaps with kids). I remain single but sometimes date women. I think of him every day. I find it very difficult to be in a serious relationship or become emotionally intimate with anyone (men or women). Though I had sex with both men and women over the years, I am unable to lead it to any stable relationship. How to proceed with life?
[UPDATE] A kind Redditor encouraged me to reach out to my lost friend and told me that the fact that V kept coming around me so many times is a sign that he thinks about me from time to time. So, finally, I reached out to V a few hours ago. I emailed and asked him if he remembers me. I said I did not like the way I left things and would like to reconnect "as a friend". He responded after a few hours saying that he "of course" remembers me and our friendship. He said he did not know how to handle the awkwardness between us and understood that I needed more time. He also said he regretted losing my friendship!
I cried after reading his email and thanked him for giving me closure. I also apologized for treating him harshly when he tried to approach me in the past. I let him know that I do not regret our sexual encounter but do regret the end of our friendship. There! What I was afraid of doing for many years, was not that difficult at all! V said he wants to be friends and that's all I want as well! Many thanks to all for your support, esp. the Redditor who privately messaged and encouraged me.
LONG READ:
Background: I have always been very studious, semi-religious, career-oriented with a limited social circle of only very close friends, not a big party person. Basically, a nerd. Aced high school, graduated summa cum laude, landed up in a comfortable job, and obtained four degrees including a Ph.D. I dated women in my high school and college. But nothing serious. I knew I was bisexual or bi-curious when I completed my undergraduate degree but I never had sex with any man until that time.
First meeting: When I was 21, I became really good friends with a popular guy "V" (also 21 and "straight") in college. The friendship was initiated by him. We used to sit next to each other in a class and he asked me if we could go to a movie together. That's how our friendship began. I realized that our interests, attitude, and career goals did not match at all. He was unlike any of my earlier guy friends. But I enjoyed his company. Six months into our friendship - none of us was dating any woman at that time - I received enough "vibes" from him that he was attracted to me (compliments on my body, not pulling away for hours when our legs or bodies would touch each other while watching a movie, remarked more than once that I look sexy and more so in underwear, asking me to stay for the night in his room (on a separate bed), etc.). Really innocent, simple things. I never had this experience with any other guy-friend. In fact, I never thought of myself as an attractive or sexy guy.
Next few months: I would often feel that he used to get annoyed at me and would rather spend several days hanging out with other friends with no communication in between. I started getting some indication that he did not enjoy my company as much as he used to. We enjoyed all the time spent together but it appeared that he deliberately tried spending time away with other friends.
Sixth month and intimate encounter: When we graduated, we found a job in the same company in another city. We decided to relocate together and, after arriving in the new city, were put in a temporary BnB. The beds did not have blankets and sheets. However, both of us carried some and, on my suggestion, we decided to join the beds together and use my double-bed sheet for both beds. He had a blanket but only for himself. When it was time to go to bed, he undressed himself down to boxers. I kept wearing my T-shirt and underwear. Something inside me was telling me that I may have a sexual encounter with him today. But his recent standoffish behavior indicated to me that it was very unlikely.
As the night progressed, I took off my T-shirt and started feeling very chilly. I felt that he threw his blanket on top of me suggesting we could share the blanket. So, we shared the same blanket but I kept myself on my side of the bed lying with my back toward him. He then gently caressed my back and then put his arm around me. He came closer and then I turned myself toward him. At this time, both of us were embracing each other and breathing heavily. He kept moving his palm on my back and I moved even closer to him. After this things went wild. He was on top of me and started wildly kissing on my neck while tightly embracing me.
I felt that this was not his first time with a guy. But it was my first time with a guy and it felt great. As the kissing and touching became more intimate, I took his underwear off and he came on me. Then, I took mine off. But, at this time, he said "No" and rushed to the restroom. I became very confused and abandoned. It was already morning by that time. He came out, got ready for the office, and went out of the room. Still confused and trying to process everything, I also got ready and went to the office. He avoided me for the rest of the day in the office. When we were back in our BnB room, he asked me to separate the beds and took his bed to another room.
Next few days: For the next 7 days, he avoided me completely, would not talk to me at all in the office, would come to the room late in the night, and go straight to his bed. On one of these days, I was rustling in my bedsheets one night. I noticed that for every rustling sound that I will make, he would make the same from his room. Those days, we often used to communicate via Yahoo! chat. The next day, I sent him the following chat message: "Hi V, It's awkward that we are not talking with each other. How long are we going to continue this? If you want to go separate ways, it is ok with me. But do you really think it was my fault that we had such an encounter?" He never replied. One night, I waited for him to come back to the room and told him "I am sorry". He did not respond to me at all.
Separation: After 7 days, a few more of our college batchmates joined the same company. All of us were staying in the same BnB and looking for permanent apartments as well as roommates to move in. I heard from some colleagues that V was planning to move into an apartment with them (the original plan was for both of us to move into the same apartment). I was hurt hearing this. I decided to find a different apartment for myself. He then caught me during a lunch-break and told me that he wants to have a "frank conversation" that he is moving to a new apartment with other colleagues. I told him he is free to do whatever he wants and I respect his wish. It shattered me but I wanted to remain strong and move ahead. I also asked my manager to assign me to a different division because I did not want to see V again on daily basis in the office. For the next two years, we led totally separate lives. I did not have any contact with him or even his friends. With great contention, I was able to rebuild a separate social life for myself. However, I found it very difficult to forget our sexual encounter and found it even more difficult to have a stable friendship or girlfriend.
Two years later: I moved to another apartment. A new colleague approached me to be my new roommate. I agreed. A couple of months later, I noticed that V started visiting my new roommate in the same apartment. They were not friends earlier but they were so now! I found it very stressful and it angered me a lot. But I felt it out of place to ask my roommate to deny V a visit because V was now my roommate's friend. I kept tolerating these visits silently. V did not speak to me on any of these visits. Sometimes, V would spend a night in my apartment hanging out with my roommate and his buddies. I used to get extremely stressed with this invasion of my privacy. Once, he came to my apartment when my roommate was not around. He knocked on that door. I opened it and he asked if my roommate is there. I shook my head. He went away.
Gradually, I noticed V had become friends with colleagues in my division and started attending parties and other events in my new social circle too. I found this behavior akin to stalking and used to become more stressed in his presence. But I found it very hard to hate him. Many a time, at these parties, I will happen to glance at him and notice he was staring at me from distance all that time.
Then, one day, I received a call from an unknown number. Turns out it was V. He asked how I was doing and proposed to have dinner together. I was speechless and taken aback at the call. I even agreed to dinner. But, after the call, I kept thinking how much hurt I felt and texted him that I do not feel it is appropriate and I cannot meet him for dinner. He texted back that, if not for dinner, then how about just meeting for 10 minutes. I declined that as well.
Three years later: V left my company and joined another. I was relieved that I would not have to see him again. I was also sad thinking about our estrangement. I started preparing for admissions to graduate school. One day, I received the following message from V on Yahoo! chat: "Hi R, I have been thinking about this for a long time. I am sorry. I want to make it up to you. And the sole reason for that is ... you were a good friend and I really liked being with you. I would like to see us back together as friends."
So many emotions went through my head. I felt "validated" and happy and "desired". But also very angry at him for hurting and stalking me for all these years. After a few days, I surmised that I still do not know what he wants. We were friends for only six months and perhaps I did not know him at all. I was very depressed during those days and decided that I will be hurt again if I become friends with him. I wrote to him that I forgive him (even though he should not feel sorry for anything). That we are polar opposites in every respect and it is best if we remain happy wherever we are. I asked him to grant me a comfortable distance. I also wrote to him that I do not seek any explanation from him either (even though I had so many questions). He responded with good wishes, said that he respects my viewpoint, and "probably it is correct". Throughout all these years, even while questioned by some common friends, I never shared my experience with them and never bitched about V to anyone.
Four years later: I secured admission to a grad school in another country. As I prepared to leave, I became very sick and was hospitalized for almost a month. A number of friends called and visited me in the hospital. One day, V messaged me that he heard about my sickness and wanted to know if I was doing well. I wrote to him that I was recovering. This was my last contact with him 13 years ago. Throughout these 4 years, a number of my other friendships and relationships suffered and broke. My therapist told me that I was becoming cynical in my relationships.
Next 13 years: I moved to another country and got busy earning my Ph.D. and crafting a separate career. I dated a few women and, in between, also had some sexual encounters with men. With time, I became more comfortable with my sexuality and explored it more. I would always think of V and how life would have been if we remained friends. I kept hearing about him through common friends. He got married 10 years ago and (perhaps) had a kid three years ago. I am single and looking to marry a woman.
At present: However, I feel very sad about how I left the things with V. I feel he was mature to apologize and seek friendship again. But I was not ready to talk with him. I had so many questions but he never explained himself. I feel a hole in my heart and need some closure. It has been a long time and I think if I approach him, he will reject me or may not even respond. I do not want to have an affair with him. But if we could talk with each other as friends like old-times, I will get some closure. We still have many common friends.
Problems with intimacy: As a result of my encounter with him and what followed, I am unable to experience deep intimacy or even enjoy sex with anyone else. Why I cannot be intimate with someone else? I have read that this is a problem with people who have encountered a sexual assault at a young age. I don't think he assaulted me but he did initiate it. Even though I was trembling when he was intimately touching me, I enjoyed the encounter. That's why I say it was consensual. I have tried therapy a lot but it has not worked. It is almost like my body feels I was assaulted and fears intimacy with any other person. But my heart says that it was not an assault. When I am in a sexual setting with someone else, I think only about him. I stopped having sex 5 years ago because getting touched by anyone brings back all these traumatic memories to me. What should I do? Did I mess up? Was it all my fault?
"R"
submitted by roalddahl14 to askgaybros [link] [comments]


2020.10.21 07:41 BleedingClovers Propositioned for a three way

Hello, so interesting situation. So I have two super close friends in college that are dating each other, a guy and a girl, and we’ve been friends for more than a year now. Recently, they asked me if I’d wanna join in one of their sexy times so all three of us can experiment. They are super cool about it, they made it clear that they are not trying to push anything whatsoever and that they chose me because we have awesome communication already and they think it could work. The interesting part is that I’m a virgin (they know this and are super understanding about it) and we’ve talked about maybe it’d be a good idea to have my first time be with two people I already completely trust and since I’m bi, I can like kill two birds with one stone. And I’m seriously considering it by the way, idk if that was clear lmao.
They’ve been asking and answering all the questions and I think it could work, but I have my reservations about it because I’m not sure how it’d affect our friendship in the future or if I’ll get attached romantically or anything so I was wondering if anyone had any advice? Any stories too would help. I haven’t made a decision yet and there’s no pressure whatsoever, but I’m the kinda person who likes to take opportunities as they come so I feel like I’d miss out on an interesting experience if I said no.
Thank you for reading~
TL;DR: my best college friends asked if I wanted to do a three way but I’m a virgin and idk how it’ll affect our friendship so I’d like some advice and stuff please..
submitted by BleedingClovers to sex [link] [comments]


2020.10.21 03:58 SufficientStatement1 You CAN be racist and find a person of another race attractive.

A guy I dated for 9 months always called me beautiful, gorgeous, sexy, etc. bought me flowers and took me on nice dates to restaurants and to the park and our sex was amazing. However when I asked him about he feels about Trump, as we live in a red zone where numerous of our neighbors are openly Trump supporters, he basically said racism is an opinion and that “people can believe whatever they want” and that instead of being angry about racism (because anger isn’t sexy ofc), I should just “turn the other cheek”. This is more of a personal rant sorry but I needed some place to vent. I really felt like I was just a fetish for him I’m indian btw and I have a nice 27” inch waist, flat stomach, naturally perky boobs and pretty long hair. I was really saddened to see that kind of thing as I thought he really loved me, but what good is it if he will not help me stand up against the racism that is hurting me in our community?
Also he always said he wanted me to be his future wife but that I would have to convert to Christianity first :-(
submitted by SufficientStatement1 to dating [link] [comments]


2020.10.21 03:56 Air-Connect [Discussion] What if there had been no warning? Did anybody somehow miss all the warnings and play this truly blind?

I just think, what if people had gotten no heads up that this was anything other than your typical visual novel/dating sim and went in truly blind? What kind of impact would the game have then? What effect would horror have when you have absolutely no heads up you're in for anything other than a simple light cheery experience? I mean the game is enough of a mind fuck
Did anybody here manage to play this game completely missing all the warnings, with no hints from friends, no clues from reviews or anything that this was anything other than a happy cheery visual novel about a literature club?
I wonder if the warning built into the game's story would have been enough preparation (not the content warning at the beginning, I'm talking about the way the story naturally sort of warns you) for this hypothetical person. The game does prime you a little by first having the tone shift with Sayori's depression revelation then giving you a WTF with Sayori's "Get Out of My Head" Poem to put you at least somewhat on alert. Maybe that would have been enough for the person playing completely blind not to be traumatized by what happens next.
And I AM most concerned with that moment. As Yahtzee of Zero Punctuation points out, the game has its maximum impact at that point, everything that comes after is relatively tame. Sure its creepy and unsettling but it doesn't knock you out of your seat and leave you dumbfounded like that first moment does (or like I've seen it do for other people. I never got to experience it properly, Honest Trailers spoiled it for me).
If anybody played this 100 percent blind, expecting nothing but your typical visual novel, completely ignorant of all warnings and tipoffs about the game, I'd like to hear from you about it. Otherwise, I welcome speculation about what you think the effect would be.
EDIT: I guess the closest I've seen are Dan Avidan during the Game Grump's playthrough and ProJared during his playthrough. Dan must have missed the warning because when Ross told him the game had a twist, he thought it was a sexy twist. Maybe Arin already had the game loaded up when Dan came in and thus the warning had already played. And since they played straight through to Sayori's big moment there was no opportunity to see that warning again.
ProJared saw the warning but he got really invested in the playthrough and it was clear from the way he was talking about the game that he hadn't seen anything about it prior to playing it and had no idea what was going to happen. He also missed the obvious clues telegraphing the big moment.
submitted by Air-Connect to DDLC [link] [comments]


2020.10.21 03:36 kingaspo How I got loads of dates as a University Student

Little about me - I am 22 years old and I am in my final year of university. When I first started uni I didn't get many girls and neither did any of my friends. We were all pretty nerdy but not ugly, we just struggled to talk to girls and find girls. But during my time at uni since I was 18, I learned a few things that helped me go on way more dates and meet loads more women. This also applies to non-students as well.
  1. Be social with everyone - University is a place to meet loads of people, it's very hard to not meet people. You've got coursemates, flatmates people you meet at events etc. So go and make some friends in all these places. Be social with everyone around, take their numbers or snaps, and ask them if they're doing anything for the weekend. Chances are, they will. Join them, they might have cute friends. That's how I met loads of girls. Sometimes I would go out for drinks with two or three people and a few girls might've joined because they knew one of the guys who joined us. From there I would talk to the girls and see how they are, their personality etc. Most times I got their snaps and sometimes even spent the night with them. Everybody has cute friends so the more friends you make, the easier it is to find cute girls. So go out when you can and be social. It also avoids you using dating apps. Nothing wrong with dating apps at all but if you rely on tinder to get girls then it will be very difficult to go on dates as tinder isn't always the most helpful. But if you are on tinder then there are posts on this sub about how to get more dates on there. Tinder can be a great place but being more social helps a lot especially with girls. I've made some great uni friends who ultimately have become amazing wingmen and also helped me get more girls.
  2. Appearance - This isn't the most important one on the list but it does help and it certainly helped me. Although it is not that important it will be important if the girl is just looking for a one night stand and it will boost your chances. Firstly when it comes to appearance staying in shape is very important. Forget your height for a second, and start hitting the gym. I was skinny when I went to uni but since I've gained a lot of muscle, not a crazy amount but good enough to feel more confident. So get to exercising, a guy who's in shape great increases his chances with women. Get new clothes too. Develop your style. Don't be boring with it. You don't have to buy expensive clothes or shoes but clothes that fit and look stylish, not everything needs to be branded. If you're struggling in that department, go shopping with friends, maybe even a female friend that you trust to give you an honest opinion and help pick out clothes that look nice on you. Get some nice aftershave too. Get yourself a signature scent that smells nice. My go-to aftershave is Dior Sauvage. It's a nice strong smelling aftershave. Two sprays and it's enough. It is a little pricey but well worth it. And lastly, stay well-groomed. Cut your nails frequently, shave often, get yourself a regular barber and a nice haircut because those things go a long way. It makes you look better, more hygienic and sexy.
  3. Confidence - If you get the first two down properly then this one should come easy. But if not and you're still struggling. Confidence is probably the most important thing on this list. Be confident, don't be scared of getting rejected by women. If they say no politely accept the rejection and move on. Don't cry about it or moan about it. You tried, on to the next one. Don't let it hurt your game. If they reject you don't make yourself think it's because you're too ugly. You're just not their type. But still be confident, walk with your head up, walk like you own the world, don't be afraid to talk to a stranger, male or female. Talk clearly and without stumbling over your words. Talk slightly slower if you need to. Confidence is always sexy, women love a man who goes out and says what they want. They don't want their time wasted.
  4. Conversation - This is one I know a lot of people struggle on. I was insecure about my appearance and was very shy and unconfident but conversation was the one thing I was good at. If you're bad at talking to girls. Find conversation topics that are fun and also serious that you can ask and play on that. Always have a few go to lines when approaching a girl if you seem to get stuck and don't know what to say past "so what do you study? are you from around here?" A question I always ask is "There are 100 balls in a bag, 99 are blue, 1 is red. Every time you pick a blue ball you get $1,000,000 but pick the red ball and you die a painful death. How many are you picking?" It's a fun question to discuss and isn't a typical question so tends to develop the conversation a lot. There are other things to say to that you could get from Reddit such as WouldYouRather There are lots of good would you rathers there. But also have a few serious topics you want to discuss too like "where do you see yourself in 5 years?" A guy who can have a fun but also serious conversation is exactly what girls look for. So have these topics and questions lined up expand on each topic, let her ask questions of her own too. Don't turn it into an interview where you bombard her with questions.
  5. Always pursue but never overly pursue - This was the hardest to learn while being a student. If you meet a girl and she thinks you're cute enough to give you her number. Pursue it. Text her and ask if she wants to get food or a coffee. Don't just text her about her day or try to have a conversation with her. Actually, go out and pursue her and ask to meet. Doesn't have to be this formal date and doesn't have to end in sex. It could be just 30 minutes sitting and enjoying coffee. But that can be enough. If she says no or if she says she's busy you don't have to ask for a schedule or ask when she's not busy. Just text her now and then to keep in contact. Once some time has passed, ask her out again. During this period of waiting, don't just strike down the days until you ask her out again, go see other friends, go on other dates, date other people. Keep yourself busy so if she does sadly say no again, it's not that big a deal to you. By waiting you show you're not desperate to see her and you can wait. Sometimes girls don't go on dates straight away because they might be seeing other people or going out with friends meeting guys a different way or maybe she just it busy. But by waiting things might have changed and if your text game strong enough you just might get that date in the end. And last but not least
  6. Have fun and remember why you're here - You're here to get a degree and enjoy the experience. So go out with the boys. Play video games, study, get a job and earn some money and have fun. Life isn't always about getting chicks and having sex. But when you do go out and try to get girls, have fun with it. Enjoy it and loosen up. If you don't enjoy it you will get scared and find it more difficult to talk to girls. Don't lose focus on life and remember what comes first.
In my personal experience, I was a skinny kid who went to uni and had no game. But I hit the gym focused on education, spoke to more people and made more friends. I used those times to socialise with my friends but also to talk to girls. I stopped feeling sorry for myself and stopped caring so much about what other people thought of me. And that made me more confident to ask girls out on dates, ask for numbers and sometimes even in the shopping mall I would start a conversation with a hot girl, ask for her number and even go on a date because I had that confidence. I still have a lot to learn but I am happy with where I am. I know this all sounds like a typical cliche student but I do hope you learned something from this post.
Thanks all for reading!
submitted by kingaspo to seduction [link] [comments]


2020.10.21 02:53 LTHEDREAMER I (19F) have broken up with my FWB(20M) and I don’t know how to feel because he’s like my best friend.

Sorry in advance: it’s really long so if you could please bear with me, I’d appreciate it. So, we’ve been dating for 3 months and he broke it off with me because apparently I was asking too much about his ex when I saw their text messages. He was with her before we got together and he broke it off because he said she wasn’t there for him and he fell out in love with her. But he became FWB with her and told me he broke it off when we met. 2 months after we met, we started hitting it off and we dated. Things started to go a little south when I saw pictures of them and he looked really happy and I asked him does he still love her and he said no. So like two months later, while I was with him, I went through his Snap and saw that he still was texting her and like meeting her up at her house and even said “I love you”. I asked him what was that about. He’s like “ we’ve known each other for so long I can’t give her up like this and the reason why I said I love you to her was because I didn’t want her to feel bad when she told me first”. He told me his ex was crazy, that she had a child of him she aborted and he wanted to be here for her. I asked him why couldn’t he block her. He said that wasn’t how he does it and that he’s giving her a 30 day challenge thing so he could slowly distance from her so she doesn’t kill herself. Another thing is I’ve been stalking her online and she had pictures of them together and his name in her bio. However, she hid them and took his name off when I was with him but put it back again after she started to follow me. I was mad and asked why’d she do that. I told him about it. He was like I cannot tell her to delete them because it’s her phone. And I admit, I started to get paranoid. Like he would tell me he was somewhere and I was like are you sure you’re not with her.
So he broke up with me saying I was getting annoying and things may have moved too quickly because there wasn’t no trust. I loved him so much that I accepted his proposal of being FWB(Friends with Benefits). However I told him if he was having sex with other girls, I would break it off. It was cool. I had my feelings but I played it off. It was like we were in a relationship the way we were acting. Hanging out, spending hours on the phone, watching movies together and of course having sex. I was telling him everything about my life and he was kinda opening up with me too. But one thing was, I was scared to talk about his ex with him as I feel he was still talking to her. And when I asked, was he having sex with her he said no he wasn’t. And I was ok.
But today, things took a turn. When I was with him, I had this heavy weight on my chest thinking did he like me? Was I good enough? Let me be sexy so he’ll still sleep with me. But that’s beside the point. I went through his phone once again and what I saw made this weight heavier. He went to her house many times, even had dinner with her and I saw a video of them having sex and it looked like it was in July when we were still FWB. He was there when I saw the video and he said it’s because he re-saved it and that’s why it appeared recent with the date like what??? That didn’t make sense. And I asked did you still go to her house and he’s like oh no but in his chats he was like can I come over. He said the reason why he said that was after work, he would walk around with her because it’s too late and stuff. And that I could think whatever and if I don’t trust him maybe it’d be better to just be friends. And I agreed. Strangely, the weigh on my chest lifted. But now, I don’t know what to do. He’s my first and the first person I’m so close to. And I’m starting to think if I made a wise choice as if he looked like he liked me but maybe was scared of asking me out again. I don’t know what to do. Did I make the right choice?
submitted by LTHEDREAMER to relationship_advice [link] [comments]


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